Space Force fitness test to be administered entirely in swivel chairs
THE PENTAGON — Top Space Force officials have approved the new service’s physical fitness test, which will take place in the comfort of a swivel chair.
“Swively rolly office chairs are a staple of the Space Force,” said Guardian Groot-Class Gaius Baltar, a public affairs spokesman. “Our goal was to design a physical fitness test with as few physical requirements as possible. We call it: the Kobayashi Maru.”
The test includes “full 720-degree rotations” in the swivel chair, backward scoots over a carpet protector, and a typing test.
“I’ve taken the test myself,” said Guardian Star-Lord John W. “Jay” Raymond of the Moon Department. “I will have you know that I scored 98 words a minute, and averaged 45 clicks a minute in StarCraft II.”
The more difficult parts of the test are segments related to individual Space Occupational Specialties (SOS).
“The Imperial Jedi SOSs have to maintain eye contact with a stranger for longer than five seconds, whereas the Warhammer 40,000 SOS personnel must complete a game of Magic the Gathering with a deck they didn’t build themselves,” said Baltar. “We tested it by allowing our honorary members to first partake. Some notable figures included Wil Wheaton, Felicia Day, Adam Sessler and Morgan Webb (who we forced to compete as a team), and Michael Dorn in full makeup.”
The Deep Space 9 Dalek SOS is the most physical, as they must recite an entire script from Buffy the Vampire Slayer from memory. A max score can only be achieved by reciting an episode from Season 3. Those unable to complete a single rep may opt out of Buffy lore and instead recite a script from Firefly.
Space Force physical therapists and personal trainers have found that more calories were burned controlling satellites than are burned playing chess, or even driving in a NASCAR race. Most are burned while simulating centrifugal force — though Space Force personnel do not actually deploy to Space. “That we know of,” Baltar said.
Evaluating the new fitness test has gone wonderfully, according to Raymond. The numbers speak for themselves.
“We couldn’t be happier with this test. Just as our motto states: Heritage, Mission, Cringe,” the Star Lord continued. “And what could be cringier than admitting to ourselves that the only physical fitness we’re going to be doing is turning left and then turning right in our $3,000 gamer swivel chairs?
“Hail Joss Whedon.”
As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction. You can read more at asforclass.com.
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