Bewildered senior airman learns he is new acting Secretary of Defense
By W.E. Linde
JOINT BASE ANDREWS, Va. — After a tumultuous week of high-profile resignations from the Trump Administration and the withdrawal of the Homeland Security nominee, Air Force Senior Airman Davis McDaniels was startled when, upon reporting to work at the 316th Security Forces Squadron, he was notified that he had been appointed the Acting Secretary of Defense, sources confirmed today.
“I don’t know what happened,” said the bewildered Defense Secretary during a press conference in the Pentagon briefing room. “I woke up late this morning and so I was humping it to try and get to guard mount on time. I ran inside the squadron building so fast that I didn’t even notice that someone had called the room to attention.”
His commander, Lt. Col. Andrea Coleman, was also taken off guard by the news.
“I received a call this morning from the Pentagon telling me to expect special orders for Airman McDaniels,” she said. “I asked if it was related to his drawing a phallus using a permanent marker on his roommate’s face two weeks ago because we had already taken care of that. After a moment of silence, they said ‘no, just…tell him to call after he gets the orders.’”
The courier with McDaniels’ orders was waiting for him when he finally arrived at work. After a hurried swearing-in ceremony, the newly-minted acting defense secretary was left sitting at his shared cubicle, sweating and swearing.
Pentagon spokesman Jonathon Hoffman tried to explain how and why the new Defense Secretary was selected.
“I guess so many people are leaving the Administration that there was confusion as to whether [Acting Secretary of Defense Christopher] Miller was still around,” said Hoffman. “Especially since he released that letter condemning the attack on the Capitol building, and saying he was ready to execute a peaceful transition to Biden.”
Officials said it seemed prudent to have someone else lined up on the off chance the president regains access to his Twitter account and fires someone.
“After dozens of phone calls pleading with folks, some of us decided to try and plug up the leak, and somehow Airman McDaniels…I mean, Secretary McDaniels… was on a personnel roster or something that got in the wrong hands at the right time,” Hoffman said.
McDaniels admitted to having no idea what his new responsibilities are.
“Is this like an extra duty?” he asked. “I’m already the SNACKO (snack officer), and that takes me an hour every morning and two hours on Monday when I have to restock. How am I going to do that and lead the entire U.S. military?”
After an hour or so of reflecting on his new position, McDaniels made a plea.
“Can I trade this for something else?” he asked. “I’ll take piss test monitor, anything. But this is a career killer.”
At press time, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Mark Milley announced he was preparing to meet with McDaniels right after the new defense secretary finished scrubbing the latrines.
W.E. Linde writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, blogger/writer at DamperThree.com. Strives to be a satirist, but probably just sarcastic.
