Esper fired for not being coup enough, sources say
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump fired Mark Esper after deciding his defense secretary was simply not coup enough for the current administration, according to defense and administration officials.
Christopher Miller, Esper’s acting replacement, believes Esper was good at the job but kind of a dork.
“Mark was all right, but he doesn’t drink or smoke and refuses to deploy U.S. troops against our own citizens,” Miller said during a press conference at the Hilton Tree Removal Service on Wednesday. “That’s totally not coup if you ask me.”
Trump, who has said that he will not leave office unless he is forcibly removed or has a tee time at Bedminster, did present Esper the chance to be one of the coup kids.
“The president was nice enough to offer me a seat at their lunch table in exchange for using my position to direct the U.S. military to install a never-ending Trump regime,” Esper told reporters. “But I just didn’t feel coup with the whole thing.”
Esper went into further detail on how uncoup he is.
“Pompeo, Barr, and some of the other guys would make fun of my glasses and how I still uphold the Constitution,” he elaborated. “I went to the White House Guidance Counselor about the bullying, but I think that’s how Trump found out I’m not coup.”
Michèle Flournoy, a potential Secretary of Defense for President-elected Joe Biden — should Trump’s hostile takeover be thwarted — expressed frustration.
“The President could just respect the decision of the Electoral College, but he thinks he’s too coup for schoo,” she said in a statement.
“After all,” she concluded, “trying too hard to be coup is actually really lame.”
Story written by Addison Blu.
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“They’ve made a lot of fun of me and I’ve enjoyed every bit of it.”
—James Mattis, former Secretary of Defense