Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has offered to pardon Venezuelan strongman Nicolás Maduro in exchange for three kilos of cocaine, sources confirmed today. “Look, just gimme the good stuff,” Trump was overheard pleading with the former dictator behind closed doors. “I can make all of this go away if you hand it over. You saw […]
FT. MEADE, Md. — Across the Department of Defense this week, functional military websites will be undergoing their annual update to make them worse, sources confirmed today. “Our websites and cyber infrastructure are at a point where they work and you can use them to do your job,” Lt. Gen. William J. Hartman, acting commander […]
WASHINGTON — A U.S. drone-launched missile strike has eliminated a notorious flying "narco-terrorist" responsible for millions of annual home invasions dating back to the nineteenth century, sources confirmed today. Navy pilots assigned to Joint Task Force Hammer — and Everything Looks Like a Nail (JTFH-ELLN) positively identified the “narco kingpin” as he flew an unregistered […]
💡 Programming note: Duffel Blog is going on holiday leave. We'll be stepping away for a little while to rebuild our will to live and our ability to make fun of PowerPoints. So this is your last regularly scheduled story until 2026, though we may have something for Christmas. At any rate, we'll be back […]
LONG BEACH, Calif. — The most powerful military in the history of the world was mobilized late last night to apprehend Angel Garcia, a 29-year-old dishwasher at Porky’s BBQ Grill n’ Chill, sources confirmed today. The full might of the National Guard, I Marine Expeditionary Force, 82nd Airborne Division, and the Blue Angels precision flying […]
FORT LEONARD WOOD, MO — Secretary of Defense and Also War Pete Hegseth announced today that all funding for the Defense Security Cooperation Agency will be reallocated to the newly formed Office of Cool Knives from the PX. “For too long, we’ve wasted taxpayer money on arming allies,” said Hegseth. “Now we’re investing in something […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Officials from the National Security Council and State Department announced today that the United States of America not only does not care about the nauseating, ever-growing list of documented Russian atrocities in Ukraine, but also does not particularly care about its own repeated violations of the laws and norms governing the use […]
BALTIMORE, Md. — As soldiers and sailors around the world tuned in to watch the annual Army-Navy football game, senior military leaders packed the stands to be seen supporting the troops in public. Among them was Secretary of Defense (and also War) Pete Hegseth, who arrived at the stadium wearing full football pads and cleats, […]
ANNAPOLIS, Md. — In a college football landscape filled with traditions and rivalries, the Army–Navy game exists in a category entirely its own. And when the biggest game of the year rolls around, both schools feel obligated to go all out with new uniforms. That’s why Navy Football this week unveiled new multicolored uniforms paying […]
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth this week affirmed his commitment to a diverse and inclusive military, telling reporters that he supports and appreciates the achievements of “colored troops and broads” throughout military history. “Doris Miller did some real badass stuff during Pearl Harbor — I saw the movie,” Hegseth said. “People say he’s […]