Hangin' on Posco Pier!
Coastie the Recruiting Robot boat, who is Coast Guard Recruiting Command’s mascot for some fucking reason (U.S. Coast Guard photo). By Slab Squatthrust Portsmouth, Va. — Recruiting Coast Guard personnel will not be a problem anymore says Commandant Adm. Linda Fagan, who announced on Friday that the service will now offer up to $115 in Bed, […]
By BYOBooyah BARSTOW, Texas — The atmosphere in the TOC—tactical operations center—is tense. Troops are in contact, pinned down by an enemy firing from cover. The radios are chaos as a platoon leader on the scene tries to provide a situation report without knowing how many enemy troops are attacking or from where. The TOC informs […]
By RJ Williams After 12 years of testing, two contractual resets, and three Congressional investigations, the U.S. Air Force has finally selected a contractor to develop and implement its 6th-Gen physical training program: Shake Weight. “We’re very excited to move forward with this,” the Pentagon’s Senior Air Force PT Officer, 1st Lt. Evan Hanford, said, […]
By As For Class PATRICK SPACE FORCE BASE, Fla. — The U.S. Space Force has announced the appointment of the first Jedi chaplain, a bold move aimed at providing spiritual support to the growing number of troops who follow the paths of the Force and extreme nerd culture. Jedi Master Jonathan Blaster, a longtime Star […]
WRIGHT-PATTERSON AFB — The Air Force Research Laboratory (AFRL) is showing its claws in the fight against giant balloons with an equally sized solution: giant cats as fearsome as they are cute. According to research scientist Colonel David Gilchrist, the Amazingly Large Feline (ALF) program is ready for this mission. Gilchrist said that AFRL originally […]
By As For Class FORT IRWIN, Calif. — The US Army has been experimenting with new HMMWV technology that people with limited imagination are calling “a gamechanger.” According to sources, the Army has discovered that a HMMWV driven at exactly 88 miles per hour and hitting a bump just right will travel through time. Physicists […]
By Cat Astronaut The US Air Force has shot down a military spouse over a base in Texas after mistaking the “large, blimp-like object” for a Chinese spy balloon. “All these spy balloon sightings have had us on high alert. When we saw this globular, bulbous mass lurching towards base we had to take it […]
By Gray Sea Liu SAN DIEGO, CA — Lt. Cmdr. Sean O’Brian is committed to a life of service at sea and is known for working long hours in order to get the job done. This fact is well known to his division officers and sailors, who desperately try to get home by 1900 each […]
By R.J. Williams The Air Force is breaking new ground in an age of telework by allowing pilots and other high op-tempo airmen to accomplish drug testing online. A new program will allow long-distance urination and sample collection. Ordinarily, an impartial observer must see urine leave the body and enter a collection cup. This ensures […]
BEIJING – People’s Liberation Army generals have admitted to rising apprehensions about a war with the United States after discovering that a key component of the US strategy is love. Alarm mounted in Beijing after intelligence analysts obtained an internal memo by Air Force Lt. Gen. Michael Minihan from an airman’s private email. In the […]