Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Army will begin using artificial intelligence-powered non-commissioned officers to help with an ongoing manpower and recruiting crisis, the Army’s top leader announced today. “Most soldiers communicate with their NCOs these days through text,” said Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George. “So why not give them a digital NCO they can get […]
LAWRENCE, Kansas — Lt. Col. Brent Patrick, commander of the University of Kansas Army Reserve Officer Training Corps (ROTC) program, somehow did not fuck a cadet during his command, sources confirmed today. “We are checking our data because obviously this is unprecedented,” said Maj. Gen. Antonio Munera, Commanding General of Cadet Command. “And yet, against […]
WASHINGTON — Shortly after a near-miss assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump, President Joe Biden held a press conference to remind everyone that he has presidential immunity. Share “Thanks to a recent ruling by the Supreme Court, I have complete immunity,” Biden told reporters. “Not that I had anything to do with those potshots […]
FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Jason ‘Jacked Java’ Johnson, the entrepreneur behind the local coffee shop “Do You Caffeinate Bro?”, has traded his espresso machine for an M4 carbine in hopes of joining the elite ranks of the United States Army’s Special Forces. The transition marks the latest in a long series of failed ventures for Johnson, […]
ARLINGTON, Va. — The Department of Defense has run out of funding after Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin blew roughly $300 billion at a Las Vegas blackjack table, sources confirmed today. “This is not the time to cast judgment, because everyone makes mistakes,” said Maj. Gen. Patrick Ryder, a Pentagon spokesman. “The Department of Defense […]
WASHINGTON — A groundbreaking study released today has revealed that the Department of Veterans Affairs is significantly less effective at providing relief to military veterans when compared to drugs and alcohol. The comprehensive report, titled “Escaping the Battle: A Comparative Study of VA Efficacy versus Substance Abuse,” highlights that while the VA continues to spend […]
THE WHITE HOUSE — During a brief press conference scheduled between 10:00 am and 4:00 pm for no specific reason whatsoever, President Joe Biden quietly admitted today that the Gaza pier announced with much fanfare in March, would — again — be disassembled and likely not replaced. “God save the Queen, man, but we tried […]
BELLEVILLE, Ill. — Tragedy struck the military community of Scott Air Force Base this past weekend after a Bridgerton-themed drinking game claimed the lives of 17 Airmen. “We ask for the nation’s thoughts and prayers as we deal with this tremendous loss,” said Maj. Tilly Donovan, head of public affairs for the 375th Air Mobility […]
WASHINGTON — As Americans across the country prepare to celebrate Independence Day, another beloved annual tradition is in full swing: asking military veterans whether or not the impending barrage of fireworks will send them spiraling into a nightmarish flashback. This cherished custom, which dates back to the post-Vietnam era, has become as synonymous with the […]
WASHINGTON — The next and perhaps most important Presidential debates will be hosted in the coming months by the U.S. military, featuring a cognitive and general technical test from the Army and a rigorous Air Force fitness test conducted on the golf course, sources confirmed today. According to campaign officials, both President Joe Biden and […]