Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON — With many veterans worried that government-wide cost-cutting measures will affect essential medical care and benefits, Veterans Affairs Secretary Doug Collins has reassured the nation that he will “personally punch every veteran in the nutsack,” sources confirmed today. “Don’t believe all the rumors you hear in the woke media,” Collins said. “I’m coming for […]
THE PENTAGON – In a groundbreaking move to streamline inefficiency, the Department of Defense has announced the creation of the Task Force of Task Forces (TFTF), a specialized unit built entirely of task forces dedicated solely to establishing additional task forces. Share “We realized that every issue, no matter how small, was being assigned its […]
By Bernard Buttersquash BUCHA, Ukraine — Following Vice President JD Vance’s aggressive criticism of Ukraine’s President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, Satan has expressed his first public doubts about the agreement that brought Vance to President Trump’s side. Reached for comment while “decompressing” in a partially burned farmhouse in Bucha, the Dark Lord emphasized that while he was excited […]
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth came out of the gate strong in February. First, he told Ukraine “fat fucking chance” of regaining their Russian-occupied sovereign territory or joining NATO. Then, when offered a chance to continue leading the world in defending against authoritarianism, his alligator arms couldn’t reach the big nuclear deterrent in his […]
WASHINGTON — On the heels of an email from the Office of Personnel Management requiring all federal employees to send five bullet points summarizing their accomplishments from last week, defense company Leidos has been awarded a $10 billion contract to write the weekly emails for every federal employee. Share “We’ve been an industry-leading innovator in […]
SAN DIEGO — Ensign Salvador Santiago “Triple S Clutch” Sanchez may look like your average junior Naval officer, but he and the US Navy just made history. Sanchez, a prior-enlisted chief Gas Turbine Systems Technician-Mechanical, is the first openly-straight officer in the history of United States Naval service. “We are very proud of this milestone,” […]
YEMEN — Dozens of terrorist operatives were killed Monday in a U.S. Navy SEAL raid on a clandestine Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) cell outside of Sana’a. “We have reason to believe these terrorists were working with al-Qaeda on a number of diversity initiatives targeting major American population centers,” said Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth. […]
By Fat Ghengis THE INTERNET — Cybersecurity experts across the country are quietly commending the collective cyber awareness of the federal workforce after a blatant phishing attempt on Saturday afternoon went collectively ignored. “Aye, that jawn was hella sus [sic], for real for real,” observed Zeke “Zoomer” Cooper, 23, an engineer with the Naval Sea […]
MANASSAS NATIONAL BATTLEFIELD PARK, Va. — On a Saturday morning, mist drifts across the fields of history as crowds gather to watch the past, brought to life by a group of dedicated enthusiasts in period garb. Here attendees are transported to a memory now largely lost in the collective American consciousness: a time of violence, […]
WASHINGTON — The White House has appointed retired Army Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn as a Special Envoy to the region between Vladimir Putin’s ass cheeks, which the administration recognizes as the most critical and sensitive area for negotiations to end the Ukraine war. Share “We will not follow the old ‘woke’ diplomacy method of involving […]