Hangin' on Posco Pier!
KABUL — The U.S. Resolute Support mission, which oversees NATO forces in Afghanistan, on Wednesday conducted a change of command ceremony for the approximately 32,435th time in the 67-year-old war or whatever the hell it is now, sources confirmed today. Gen. John W. NoOneEvenCaresAtThisPoint relinquished command to fellow Army Gen. Austin S. NotGonnaWinTheWarEither in a […]
ABILENE, Texas — A Texas National Guardsman says he is suffering from “emotional scars” after returning from a deployment to the U.S.-Mexico border, sources confirmed today. Spc. Anthony Romo, who deployed for a two week rotation to guard his home state’s border from illegal immigrants by watching movies in an air-conditioned tent, told reporters that […]
KABUL — They say that when you join the Army, you join a family. These battle buddies are proving it! Long after Devin Sharpe, Eric Burns, and Calvin Fischer met each other on a deployment to Afghanistan in 2003, these brothers in arms get back together every five years to chill out, remember the past, […]
MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — Google has unveiled a new search tool to help Army and Marine infantrymen find jobs as security guards, truck drivers, and professional hitmen, sources confirmed today. In an announcement earlier this week, the Silicon Valley tech giant rolled out its job search tool in order to help military personnel transition to […]
VICENZA, Italy — It was a simple concept. Invite the hit CBS reality show “Undercover Boss” to film a special Army-edition episode featuring 30 days of a field-grade officer going incognito as a junior first-term soldier. But the episode — which will air next year during Season 9 of the series — went horribly wrong, […]
HEAVEN — The soul of Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) was tossed out of the Heaven Officer’s Club just hours after he entered the bar for angelic military officers, where witnesses say he was sliding shirtless across the bar top while shouting “carrier landings!” or as his fellow naval aviators simply described it, “just being John […]
HOLLYWOOD — “Ruff, ruff! What’s that girl? You’ll never be happy with an airframe that tries air to ground troop support that can also land on a carrier? Aww, girl. Thanks, Lassie!” And so starts the recently discovered lost tape from the beloved 1950s-1970s television show Lassie, where 19-year-old Timmy Martin, now off the farm and […]
THE PENTAGON — As part of a push to entice more young, strapping men to the Navy, the service announced a new campaign to increase the utilization of phallic imagery throughout the service, sources confirmed today. The Navy plans to double-down on efforts to place penis-shaped objects in recruitment materials and in naval workplaces around […]
PARIS — A recent discovery by a team of archaeologists in France has revealed that at least one Roman soldier perished in Rome’s Gallic Wars while waiting for Julius Caesar to sign his missing gear statement, sources confirmed today. The team found the soldier’s remains buried with a sheet of papyrus which clearly indicates it […]
The following is a point/counterpoint article written by former Spc. Aaron Johnson, who lost his leg after his Humvee was hit by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan in 2008. POINT: I lost my left leg 10 years ago. The docs told me I’d still live a normal life. COUNTERPOINT: He’s only four, but my […]