Hangin' on Posco Pier!
Former President George H.W. Bush, who fought in World War II as a naval aviator and as the 41st president from 1989 to 1993, led American forces to decisive military victories over major powers including Iraq and Panama, died peacefully on Friday night at his home in Houston. He was 94 years old. Bush began […]
KANTO, JAPAN – Lt. Surge, the electric type gym leader of Pokemon’s Vermillion City, is missing, sources confirmed today. The eight foot tall, frosted-tip behemoth – and Japan’s only frame of reference for Americans – disappeared during a battalion field exercise in the Viridian Forest last week. “This happened during maneuvers on Mount Moon,” said […]
FORT BENNING, Ga. – A local Army sniper met his match as he failed to successfully hit a toilet bowl at a nearby tavern, sources confirmed today. Sgt. Doug Taylor, a 28-year old native of Des Moines, Iowa, missed his mark after whipping out his rifle and repeatedly failing to strike the water in the […]
ALBANY, N.Y. – While most elderly people plan for relaxation and travel during their retirement years, one federal employee at the Department of Veterans Affairs is settling in for the long haul, sources confirmed today. Gertrude Smith, well into her nineties, will not retire anytime soon despite doing absolutely no work for the past 6 […]
HELMAND, Afghanistan — A smart bomb has been used to destroy something that costs more than a smart bomb for the first time since the introduction of precision-guided munitions in 1968, sources confirmed today. U.S. forces employed Hellfire laser-guided missiles to destroy five Taliban gun trucks as they prepared to attack Musa Qala, a district center in Helmand Province, […]
FORT BENNING, Ga. – They say that when you become an airborne ranger, it’s for life! This airborne ranger took it ALL THE WAY when he refused to accept a life-saving blood transfusion from a dirty, dirty leg, sources confirmed today. Hooah! Army Spc. Ryan Collins, a graduate of the U.S. ARMY AIRBORNE SCHOOL, was […]
WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense is granting a $3 billion contract to Green Beans Coffee to complete the construction of 2,000 locations along the border. The move, which was announced today by Secretary of Defense James Mattis, may signal that U.S. troops will remain at the border longer than originally anticipated. Troop conditions along the […]
WASHINGTON — Despite failing the first audit in its over 70 year history, the Pentagon is being promoted to the rank of hexagon in a move that surprised few but angers many, sources confirmed today. The promotion comes after the completion of a year-long audit where the Department of Defense passed only five of 21 […]
WASHINGTON – Legislators, members of the press, and hearing attendees were stunned today when a general’s jaw fell apart during testimony in front of the Senate Armed Services Committee after a career of talking out of both sides of his mouth. The fracture came on the heels of the general saying, “We remain an agile […]
If you didn’t see it yourself, today’s five paragraph mission plan delivered by 2nd Lt. Smith was an absolute doozy. Here are ten of the most outrageous comments, annotated by SAW gunner PFC Ryan Joseph. 1. “Hey men, how’s everyone doing?” It has been well documented that Smith gives 0.0 fucks about anyone in this […]