Hangin' on Posco Pier!
ALLEPO, Syria – An angry and tearful Syria informed the international community today that it is most definitely pregnant, the result of a late pull-out by the U.S. after a long intercourse, sources confirmed today. Syria’s news followed a White House announcement that as a result of an agreement with Turkey, the U.S. will withdraw […]
BERING SEA — A disgruntled humpback whale returning from his migration journey has reportedly flipped the Coast Guard Cutter Munro ‘the fin’ in response to a near miss with the large sea mammal, sources confirm today. “Learn how to sail you fuckin’ psychos,” said the 40-year old sea mammal, acknowledging that he has not seen […]
Days after President Donald Trump announced he would be pulling all U.S. troops out of Syria, a Marine first sergeant on the ground has refused to let any of them leave until “every swingin’ dick” has filled out their leave chits, sources confirmed today. “Hold on there, motivators. No one’s going anywhere until you all […]
By Presidents Barack Obama and George W. Bush As former Presidents of the United States, we feel obligated to address President Donald Trump’s sudden and reckless decision to withdraw U.S. troops from Afghanistan after a mere seventeen years of combat operations. We are not sure how the war could have gone so wrong in just […]
NORFOLK, Va. — Navy SEALs, one of America’s most iconic special operations forces, are renowned for their expertise, prowess, and the shroud of secrecy surrounding their operations. However, the life of a Navy Special Warfare operator can also be one of the most rewarding paths in the military service, given the right combination of experience, […]
SAN DIEGO — With the Coast Guard being the only branch of the military whose members may go without during the current government shutdown, the service has decided to resell the nearly $1 billion dollars worth of cocaine seized in the past six months to supplement pay for the 42,000 men and women on active […]
WASHINGTON — Most troops caught in the middle of a domestic dispute that resulted in their father Jim Mattis filing for divorce say they hope they can live with him after this is all over, sources confirmed today. Mattis filed for divorce from President Donald Trump last week, citing “irreconcilable differences” that stemmed from the […]
WASHINGTON — Seven hundred non-essential federal civil servants were furloughed and sent home when the government failed to pass a spending bill Friday night, sources confirmed today. The other one million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand and three hundred feds remained on the job, having been previously designated as “essential.” That means their work is deemed […]
NORTH POLE – Another round of high-ranking elves face allegations of corruption through their association with the known convict Fat Blitzen, sources close to Santa confirmed today. “This is ho-ho-horrible,” Santa said. “This web of corruption and kickbacks is so pervasive that if I got rid of all the elves who were involved, I’d be […]
FORT BLISS, Texas — Soldiers eating at the Bamford Dining Facility on Christmas Day were awed by a display of “servant leadership” when Col. Ted Murphy, Fort Bliss Garrison commander, surprised the ranks by showing up to serve Christmas dinner unannounced. “For the first time in three years, I thought I’d have him home for the […]