Hangin' on Posco Pier!
FORT IRWIN, Calif. – Eight soldiers were notionally killed during a tactical exercise when their first sergeant gave their position away by trying to stand up from the prone position, sources confirmed today. “We take good noise discipline very seriously there,” OPFOR commander Sgt. 1st Class Tim Nelson said. “When (1st Sgt. Anthony) Palmer stood […]
SAN DIEGO — Non-deployable sailors can breathe a heavy sigh of relief as Navy officials plan to implement its new “Deploy or Get Promoted” policy, sources confirmed today. The new policy, deemed ingenious by CNN military analysts, will ensure the Navy floods its upper ranks with sailors who are injured, lazy, PT-failing, work-averse as a […]
MINOT AIR FORCE BASE, N.D. — Controversy erupted when a local commander relieved a B-52 crew for creating what could be either penis pictures or crew self portraits, sources confirmed today. “We found drawings on a B-52 navigation computer of five phallic-shaped objects,” base spokesman Maj. “Needle” Dick Johnson said. “The Air Force policy is clear — […]
CHANGCHUN, China — The Chinese Army relieved a decorated army officer and son of legendary Gen. Li of his command position after details were leaked that the promising young officer had “fostered a command climate of toxic masculinity,” sources confirmed today. While training recruits for war against the invading Hun Army, Capt. Shang reportedly abused […]
BAGRAM AIR BASE, Afghanistan — Service members currently deployed to Afghanistan were devastated when they learned that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and her entourage of congressmen had cancelled their planned visit this past weekend, sources confirmed today. President Donald Trump halted the congressional delegation’s trip seemingly in response to Pelosi suggesting the president […]
KABUL, Afghanistan — The small, landlocked nation of Afghanistan once again made headlines this week after posting photos to social media for Facebook’s “10-year challenge,” State Department officials confirmed today. The mountainous and war-torn state uploaded two, juxtaposed pictures yesterday taken a full decade apart with the caption, “Can’t believe it’s been ten years! Felt […]
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump pulled aside Patrick Shanahan, the acting secretary of Defense, following a cabinet meeting to ask him about finding employment for Donald Trump Jr. as an “Army guy,” sources confirmed today. “Pat, question for you,” the president began, “There’s my son, Don, you know him, Don Junior. He always wanted to […]
WASHINGTON — The entire military was granted an emergency shaving profile days after Gillette released a new ad campaign inspired by the #MeToo movement, sources confirmed today. The two-minute ad critiqued “toxic masculinity” and “the boys will be boys” attitude, which ignited a social media firestorm. Millions of service members reported for duty with a […]
Washington — In a stern rebuke to 60 veterans’ lawsuits, all eight fuctioning Supreme Court justices dismissed “burn pit” appeals by torching them in a massive blaze on the front steps of the court’s building Monday. The military used burn pits, located in Afghanistan and Iraq, to destroy waste, including batteries, tires and millions of […]
PARADISE VALLEY, Ariz. — A woman who allegedly sent one man 500 text messages a day over a four-month period has been selected to screen the next generation of warfighters, sources with U.S. Army Recruiting Command (USAREC) confirmed today. Jacqueline Ades achieved widespread notoriety after bombarding one man’s phone with 65,000 text messages after a […]