Hangin' on Posco Pier!
SAN DIEGO — Disney is ready to sprinkle some magic over future Navy deployments. The Navy plans to plus up its fleet over the next five years, but its manpower goals may as well be ‘to infinity and beyond.’ Even significant efforts aimed at immigrant and transgender communities failed to move the recruitment needle, but […]
FORT MEADE, Md. — A brood of cryptologists bravely poked their heads into the warming rays of the winter dawn before seeing their shadows and predicting an imminent government shutdown, sources with the National Security Agency confirmed today. “It’s going to be a long winter, but you’ll have plenty of time to think on it!” […]
PENTAGON — The Department of Defense is preparing to field a new life-skills program aimed at helping service members about to separate from active service break the compulsive habit of drawing penises everywhere, sources confirmed today. The launch of the “Cock-Stopper Class,” comes in the wake of a U.S. Air Force B-52 squadron commander’s firing over […]
NEW YORK — All 17 members of the nation’s Intelligence Community (IC) enrolled in Trump Intelligence University on Wednesday after President Trump suggested on Twitter that they go back to school. From the CIA and the Air Force Intelligence Service to the Department of State and the National Security Agency, the new students reportedly “giggled […]
A major typo in a recent presidential directive to the Coast Guard has caused the service to expend thousands of man-hours and millions of dollars in resources guarding the country’s coats, sources confirmed today. “The Coast Guard, as its primary mission, shall ensure the safety and security of our nation’s coats,” read an executive order […]
AFGHANISTAN – Millennial troops are using Snapchat to call fire missions as a new survey indicates that millennial troops are too anxiety-ridden to talk on the radios, sources confirmed today. The problem began years back with the generation’s fear of picking up the phone and answering doorbells, but crisis looms as the behavior bleeds over […]
FORT BLISS, Texas – Recent command climate surveys from 28th Personnel Services Battalion have proved difficult to compile due to the high proportion that were filled out in bile, semen, and spit, sources confirmed today. “We’re not really sure what’s going on at the 28th PSB,” said Col. Megan Smith, a spokesperson for army G1 at […]
One large veteran is praising the 5 to 4 Supreme Court decision that allows the Trump administration’s ban on transgender troops to go into effect while the legal debate moves through the circuit courts. The ruling sparked a significant uproar on social media but not everyone disagrees with the policy that has been criticized as […]
The following is a Point/Counterpoint concerning the enduring reputation of retired Army General and former Secretary of State, Colin Powell. Amanda Cartwright, a senior at Valley Forge High School and editor of the school newspaper, will be presenting the point. Powell will be presenting the counterpoint. Point: Colin Powell was a retired four-star Army general who served […]
FORTNITE ISLAND — A lieutenant in the Army’s eSports team was reported missing early in his training, and leaders are conducting a thorough search before a virtual storm makes rescue efforts dangerous, sourced confirmed today. Hundreds of Soldiers have flocked to represent their service branch in popular games such as Call of Duty, League of Legends, and […]