Hangin' on Posco Pier!
SMALLVILLE, Kansas — Past residents of Camp Lejeune were recently sent invoices for any superpowers they may have developed from a series of incidents starting in 1953 that led to the toxic contamination of the drinking water supply in base housing, sources confirmed today. The invoices arrived after the Department of Veterans Affairs received several […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Department of Defense officials assured Eric Trump that a natural geologic shift of the magnetic North Pole would not jeopardize Santa Claus, his toy workshop, or Trump’s chances of receiving Christmas gifts, sources confirmed today. Trump expressed concerns about observations that the magnetic north pole is drifting, which he believed could interfere […]
BAGHDAD, Iraq — A soldier in Iraq is successfully avoiding the Uniform Code of Military Justice by living inside an amnesty box, sources confirmed today. Spc. Ray Thomas, a communications specialist deployed to Camp Taji, began residing in the amnesty box after becoming the focus of a 15-6 investigation into unauthorized drinking on post. “It […]
JOINT BASE MCGUIRE-DIX-LAKEHURST, N.J. — In an effort to join the E-4 mafia, a local soldier has instead joined the actual mafia, sources confirmed today. Newly-promoted Spc. Rafael Hernandez first realized something was amiss when, according to his testimony in court, he stuck a hastily-constructed shiv into the base of an old Italian man’s skull. “This […]
PENTAGON — Much like the search for the golden ticket in Willy Wonka, the country has erupted into a sweet Fortnite gaming sesh that doubles as real world operation to select the leader of all U.S. forces, sources confirmed today. Billed as a battle royale video game, Fortnite has players vie to prove themselves worthy of […]
Are you a suicide bomber aspirant struggling to succeed in today’s saturated market? Are you envious that everyone is calling Yusuf the “Damascus Dominator” because he courageously took out a room full of children with a suicide vest? We here at Duffel Blog understand that blowing yourself up can be a daunting, if not downright […]
DOHA, Qatar — Chief U.S. negotiator Zalmay Khalilzad repeated assurances today he received from the Taliban that they are “totally going to lay down their weapons and become peace loving, democratic civilians as soon as American forces leave.” American representatives have been engaged in talks with Taliban leaders in hope of a diplomatic resolution to […]
CAMP LEMONNIER, Djibouti – Pfc. Braddock Chase, the highest speed motivator in the 1-167th Infantry doesn’t listen to the haters and draggers and prefers to see the burn pits as half full, sources confirmed today. “A lot of guys, you know, focus on the bad shit. I focus on how much shit,” said Chase, coughing up […]
Aspiring military dictator wonders why agents from the future have not been sent to stop him… yet
Have we reached the end of publicly-supported, mutli-decade wars that have no estimable completion deadline and no clear-cut objectives? Now that they’re done ruining the turkey industry, it appears that millennials have found another staple of the American economy to kill. Recent polls conducted by Stanford University have indicated that youth born between the years […]