Hangin' on Posco Pier!
TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Pfc. Patrick Boyd is being hailed as a genius after finishing a four-year contract in just eight months His peers are beyond jealous at Boyd’s amazing feat. “Boyd and I went through boot camp and ITB together,” Pfc. Hector Gomez said. “Then, we both got orders to 2/7 (2nd Battalion 7th […]
BAGRAM, Afghanistan — Fans of Afghanistan, already America’s longest running drama, are excited for the premier of the final season of the conflict, whenever that may be. A media darling at launch, Afghanistan has suffered from low viewership since the first season but remains a powerhouse moneymaker with an annual budget of almost $45 billion. […]
WASHINGTON — In a bizarre Pentagon ritual, Army leaders accidentally summoned the wrong spirit when attempting to channel famed Prussian military theorist Maj. Gen. Carl von Clausewitz to help them counter growing threats from China and Russia, sources confirmed today. “Complex problems require creative ideas,” said Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley. “It turns […]
WASHINGTON — The Defense Department’s service chiefs are massively weary of this stupid Congressional committee hearing, sources confirmed today. Although the hearing on force readiness in the mid-term began moments ago, it has “nose-dived faster than Congressman Schiff’s reputation,” according to a military legislative affairs officer. “I put on a service dress uniform for this?” […]
ST. LOUIS— Charlotte High School graduate Devin Jaskot will soon enter the Coast Guard’s Officer Candidate School this July for the sole reason of bossing around his fat piece of shit stepdad, Petty Officer 1st Class Carl Barnes, sources confirmed today. Jaskot’s mother married Barnes in 2016 with much protest from Jaskot. Despite his claims […]
MERRITT ISLAND, Fla. — Military commanders have barred potential Space Force members from engaging in any liberty activities outside of Earth’s atmosphere, sources confirmed today. The decision came after several hours of deliberation between key military leaders at the Pentagon. Expert testimony on the issues included representatives from the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, Air […]
SAN DIEGO — The commanding officer of Marine Corps Recruit Depot San Diego, Brig. Gen. Ryan Heritage, announced today that the Marine Corps is adding a new fifth phase to recruit training. The goal of fifth phase is to re-instill discipline after fourth phase, which was rolled out last year. Headquarters Marine Corps implemented fourth […]
ISENGARD, Middle-earth — Shortly after revealing that Palantir would be implementing the new Army intelligence system, the service announced a partnership today with stalwart ally and pillar of the intelligence community, Saruman the White. Head of Palantir’s defense business Doug Philppone praised the move. “We were just thrilled for the opportunity to take the reins […]
PENTAGON — A Marine officer recently stirred up controversy by suggesting that Marines employ the use of LSD in current warfighting engagements and Pentagon officials are considering turning to the novel approach, sources confirmed today. LSD, or dock landing ship, is a transport ship capable of carrying a complement of 400 Marines and several amphibious […]
LASHKAR GAH, Afghanistan — Gesturing the “peace” sign and telling fellow fighters that he was “totally done with this insurgent stuff, man,” hippie Taliban defector Ahmad Khan got incredibly stoned, sources confirmed today. “Bro, did you ever just think, like, what are we doing it all for?” asked the totally lit former IED maker seconds […]