Hangin' on Posco Pier!
The Marine Corps published a strategic document today that predicts future alcohol-related incidents will be caused primarily by near-peer pressure. “We need to think beyond the small-scale drinking incidents of the past 20 years of counterinsurgency and start looking at major intoxicating threats,” reads a forward from Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller. […]
NOTRE DAME, Ind. — Students at the University of Notre Dame witnessed a spectacular display today as they looked up into the sky —thousands of paratroopers rained over the campus before securing the area for none other than the commander-in-chief, sources confirmed. “Most of us just stopped in our tracks and stared,” said one student. […]
PENSACOLA, Fla. — After a gut-wrenching selection process, Ensign Pierce A. Stinkfeld was chosen as a student naval aviator, sources confirmed today. Stinkfeld, who graduated last year from the University of Missouri with a double major in flatology and ungulate digestion, was also enrolled in Naval ROTC where he received rank honors. “I’ve been preparing […]
NORFOLK, Va. — A veteran found himself in an predicament when it came time to pay for his traditional wing combo after a group lunch break at the local Buffalo Wild Wings — he did not have a USAA card, sources confirmed today. Navy veteran Phil Cohen watched in utter humiliation as coworker after coworker […]
QUANTICO, Va. — Headquarters Marine Corps will add wait training to the physical fitness test to reflect increased demands on the time of today’s Marines, sources confirmed today. The test itself will feature a four-hour wait check, and the preparatory program will incorporate lengthy waits in multiple settings. “We’ve found that Marines spend a significant […]
FORT KNOX, Ky. — The Army has shifted strategy and is now focusing advertisements on the website Pornhub after missing their 2018 fiscal year recruiting goal by 6,500 recruits, sources confirmed today. The ads, which promise “hot singles in your area,” ask potential recruits for identifying information before scheduling them for an appointment with a […]
WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs received high praise from a study commissioned by the pharmaceutical and alcohol industries published today. “The VA is doing an exceptional job providing just the right level of care and shouldn’t change a thing,” according the study. The findings stands in direct opposition to earlier criticism from veterans, […]
ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Chelsea Manning has come out as a heterosexual man and is asking President Donald Trump for clemency, sources confirmed today. Manning, who once orchestrated the largest intelligence breach in U.S. military history, is currently in federal custody for refusing to testify against WikiLeaks and the recently arrested Julian Assange. “As we know, […]
NEW MADRID, Mo. — Retired Lt. Gen. Donald Quixote urged the Pentagon not to underestimate the emerging new WMD threat — windmills of mass destruction, in a statement to reporters today. Quixote thanked the president for bringing attention to the national security threat and expressed hope that the international community would condemn the blatant proliferation […]
FORT LEAVENWORTH, Kan. – Faculty and staff at the U.S. Army Command and General Staff College, known as CGSC, are celebrating the school’s debut appearance on the U.S. News and World Report list of the nation’s top 500 community colleges, sources confirmed today. “I couldn’t be prouder of our professors, students, and alumni,” said Army […]