Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON, DC – Sources suggest the current crop of Army Strategists are experts at the strategic implications of Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Game of Thrones, despite being wholly unable to comprise a coherent plan to stabilize Afghanistan at any point during the last 18 years. This fact was brought to light by […]
WASHINGTON – A study released today found that officers who purchased non-valor Bronze Star license plates for their vehicles were 98% less likely to have left a forward operating base, or FOB, during a deployment than officers who did not purchase the plates. The Pentagon spent two months and roughly $17 billion on the study, […]
LOS ANGELES — Marvel Studios announced today their most recent film “War on Terror: No Endgame in Sight” has bombed badly with an estimated loss of $5.6 trillion since opening 18 years ago. Hollywood reporters were shocked at the poor box office performance. Dan Wakeford, People Magazine’s Editor-in-Chief, vividly remembers “how excited everyone was about […]
MONTREAL, Canada — U.S. troops stationed abroad now have 24-hour access to the latest hardcore pornography from back home, thanks to a deal that allows adult website Pornhub to host explicit material on the military’s secret classified networks, sources confirmed today. MindGeek, the Canadian company which owns Pornhub, signed the deal nicknamed “OPSUCK” with the […]
We’ve all been there — standing around formation, smoking, joking, putting your hands in your pockets, not realizing that you’re about to get called for urinalysis. Should you have gone to get a wax last night instead of playing video games and drinking Monster? Probably, but now you’re going to have to show off that […]
NEW YORK CITY – A Marvel spokesperson confirmed today that recently released “Avengers: End Game” featured a post-credits scene of Captain America killing himself outside a Department of Veterans Affairs facility in downtown New York. The popular franchise character had been the center of numerous rumors about his mental state following Thanos’ cull in “Avengers: […]
WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs announced today that they would release a new white noise app to help veterans with insomnia go back to the last place they felt safe, secure, and ready to drift into four hours of fitful sleep. “We found that when these service members were serving, they could sleep […]
QUANTICO, Va. — Brig. Gen. Arthur J. Pasagian, commander of Marine Corps Systems Command, announced today that all Joint Tactical Vehicles (JLTVs), the replacement for the Humvee, would be deadlined across the service after field testing revealed a dangerous defect with their cassette decks. This decision comes after reports that cassette tape decks in new […]
WASHINGTON — The Army has approved a new background option for portraits and DA photos, Sergeant Major of the Army Dan Dailey announced today. The background, officially titled “Background, Photographic, #88, Totally Fly,” features a criss-crossed network of luminescent pink and azure laser beams set against a subdued field of midnight blue. Dailey conveyed his […]
FORT BRAGG, N.C. – The Army Criminal Investigation Division is investigating an Army officer’s apparent disappearance into a visiting professor’s rectal area in a case of extreme ingratiation gone awry, sources confirm today. Capt. Dexter Edwards disappeared during a reception held after the 3rd Brigade, 82d Airborne Division hosted University of North Carolina political science […]