Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON — The next Commandant of the Marine Corps has announced that the first policy he’ll instate when he takes the helm this summer is to bring back the beloved tradition of rolling trouser legs. “From the Halls of Montezuma to the Shores of Tripoli, Marines have proudly rolled their pantaloons on many a foreign […]
LANGLEY — Central Intelligence Agent Richard Penis has been reassigned to administrative duty after a woman compromised his secret identity by trespassing on CIA headquarters and requesting to speak with him, sources confirmed today. The woman, who demanded that Agent Penis return her ID, claims to have been unaware that she was blowing Penis’s cover. […]
SAN DIEGO, Calif. — A group of sailors preparing to enter the Rear Admiral Gentleman’s Club were reminded by Command Master Chief Petty Officer Michael Tubbins on Saturday evening to “clap like Mike Pence is speaking,” — referencing the primal sexual energy typically elicited by the vice president’s remarks, sources confirmed today. The sailors, who […]
VANDENBERG AIR FORCE BASE — Space Ghost, the interstellar crime fighter and talk-show host, has filed a complaint with the Department of Defense Inspector General over his non-selection for a command position in U.S. Space Command, sources confirmed today. Space Ghost considers himself qualified for command and is disgruntled over his non-selection, according to a […]
FORT HOOD, Texas – One Army specialist experienced a wave of emotions today when his Ancestry DNA test revealed that he hails from a long line of POGs, sources confirmed today. “I always felt like there was something driving me to serve my country in combat,” said Pfc. Darren Hotchkiss, a laundry and bath specialist […]
TWENTYNINE PALMS, California — When eight year-old Conrad Greeley found out his leukemia was terminal, his family immediately contacted the Make-A-Wish foundation since he always wanted to spend a day living out his childhood dream of joining the Marine Corps. Luckily, Make-A-Wish came through, and on Tuesday, Conrad met up with 2nd Battalion, 7th Marine […]
RAQQA, Syria — Bravo channel executive producer Andy Cohen debuted a sneak peek today of the latest installment to the Real Housewives series: “Real Housewives of Raqqa,” set to premiere during Ramadan. The reality television show provides an all-access pass to five lavish wives as they shop, dine, party, and let drama unfold on the […]
SAN DIEGO — Retiring Chief Petty Officer Joe Andrews hasn’t peed without someone watching him in 22 years and isn’t about to start now. “At first, I thought all the meat gazing was weird,” said Andrews. “Now, after all this time in the Navy, I went from not being able to piss with someone watching […]
We all do some foolish things in our youth when we don’t understand the consequences. For me, a lighthearted prank saddled me with a goat for the rest of my career, and I have to tell you — goats are a lot of fucking work. It started late one night in Bradley Barracks on a […]
FORT CARSON, Colo. – A 4th Infantry Division squad leader burned to death after his first sergeant told soldiers at morning formation that they should immolate good leaders if they wanted to be successful, sources confirmed today. Staff Sgt. John D. Arc, a two-time non-commissioned officer of the year, had just returned from mentoring troubled […]