Hangin' on Posco Pier!
BENEDICT, Mont. — “American Taliban” John Walker Lindh tasted freedom for approximately 47 seconds before a Hellfire missile fired from an unmanned aerial vehicle ensured he would never taste anything ever again, sources confirmed today. After spending 17 years in federal prison for “providing services to the Taliban,” the Bureau of Prisons announced earlier this […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — National Security Advisor John Bolton on Wednesday cited his avoidance of going to war in Vietnam in response to criticism that he is a warmonger intent on starting military campaigns in Venezuela, Iran, and over 100 other countries, sources confirmed today. “If I like war as much as you all say I […]
WASHINGTON — Recognizing that overthrowing the terror-sponsoring Iranian government requires a whole-of-Trump approach, the defense and White House officials recently convened a secret interagency planning team at the Pentagon, sources confirmed today. Its goal: to plan a soup-to-koloocheh ground invasion of the intractable Persian country. But the meeting was quickly dubbed a “community of disinterest,” according […]
AUSTIN, Texas — Retired Navy Adm. William McRaven offered a defense of millennials in a viral video uploaded to TikTok on Monday, sources confirmed today. In the video, which features music from Ed Sheeran in the background, McRaven can be seen performing a handstand and saying that he’s “the biggest fan of millennials you’ll ever […]
CAMP ARMSTRONG, The Moon – Countless back-and-forth shuttle convoys have become the norm as troopers take on the herculean task of standing up the first Space Force moon base. To better prepare future space troopers, pioneers from the First Brigade Space Combat Team (1BSCT) have offered their valuable observations and tips on their workhorse transport […]
PENTAGON — Long rumored tensions came to a head as the CH-47 Chinook Helicopter confronted the U.S. Army after discovering suggestive text messages on the Army’s phone, sources confirmed today. The Chinook referenced an exchange that included a Snapchat video of the CH-53 Super Stallion (a name experts believe is clearly overcompensating for something) loading […]
MINOT, N.D. – After reviewing its Thrift Savings Plan statement and a growing pile of maintenance bills, a B-52 bomber broke down, realizing it would likely never be able to retire, sources confirmed today. The B-52, known officially as the “Stratofortress” but colloquially as “BUFF” (for Big Ugly Fat Fucker), first flew in 1952 and […]
The following is a point/counterpoint article. The point will be given by the First Baptist Church Women’s Group, and the counterpoint will be given by adult film star Mia Khalifa. Point: Our beloved servicemembers need all our love and support, and it’s our Christian and patriotic duty to help them however we can! One thing […]
CAMP DWYER, Afghanistan — A Marine infantryman scrambled to link up with his squad after his parents refused to insert him at a hot landing, sources confirmed today. Pfc. Martin Sikorsky pushed out on a QRF mission for the ANA his unit is training when his parents became concerned about the state of the LZ. […]
By: Sgt Daniel Marks Look, I get it. You love the Army and you want to bring everything about it into your daily life. I’ve been there. When I was in high school I got way into “Trainspotting” and started calling my friends “mates.” I was like 14, but whatever, I’m not here to judge. […]