Coast Guard seizes 4,000 pounds of uncut Cheetos Dust


ALAMEDA, Calif.—The U.S. Coast Guard Cutter Waesche returned home to Alameda on Sunday morning after seizing more than 4,000 pounds of Cheetos dust, with an estimated street value of $89 million, in the waters off Central America. The deliciously addictive finger powder brought ashore was seized by the crew in the Eastern Pacific from late […]

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Marines open remedial ‘Corporals Course for Staff Sergeants’


QUANTICO, Va.—Staff Sergeants looking to brush up on—or, honestly, learn—the fundamentals of their profession will have a brand new opportunity with the Marine Corps’ new remedial Corporals Course for Staff Sergeants (CCFSS), starting next month at Marine Corps University. The course is aimed at Staff Sergeants who, for whatever reason, are unable to function at […]

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Pentagon senior executive fired for inadvertently making a decision


WASHINGTON – Pentagon officials fired a senior bureaucrat after he accidentally made a decision, breaking decades of tradition and spurring fears that the building may become more efficient, sources confirmed today. Donald Witherspoon, a Senior Executive Service (SES) civilian on the Army staff, began working at the Pentagon after he retired as a colonel weeks […]

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Iran attacks US warships in the Gulf of Tonkin


HO CHI MINH CITY, Vietnam—Iran has staged a failed hit-and-run attack on U.S. warships, the Navy has reported. According to Pentagon officials, vessels secretly controlled by Iran’s Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps Navy (IRGCN) fired several missiles at the U.S. destroyers USS Maddox (DD-731) and USS Turner Joy (DD-951) yesterday while they cruised in the Gulf of […]

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President Trump orders Navy to scuttle USS John S. McCain


TOKYO—President Donald Trump has ordered that the crew of the USS John S. McCain (DDG-56) to scuttle the ship. The order, relayed through acting Acting Defense Secretary Patrick Shanahan, sent shock waves through the Navy. When carried out, it will be the first active U.S. Navy vessel scuttled since World War II. “I like ships […]

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Point/Counterpoint: Future wars will be fought with AI robots vs. ‘Microsoft Word is not responding’


The following is a point/counterpoint discussion about the use of artificial intelligence (AI), machine learning, and robots in future large scale ground combat. The point will be presented by an Army officer writing an article for an online military journal. The counterpoint will be presented by the same officer while his computer’s operating system, software […]

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Nation honors fallen soldiers by creating more of them


WASHINGTON—Remembering the fallen on Memorial Day is a time-honored tradition of ceremonies, barbecues, and a day off for most American workers and schoolchildren. But many are feeling that the holiday might be losing steam, and that has some officials worried that Memorial Day will lose its meaning for many Americans. Some say dragging on dwindling […]

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Pearl Harbor survivor unhappy with Mitsubishi Memorial Day sale


HONOLULU, Hawaii — Local World War II veteran Johnny Thompson is unhappy with the nature of the this past weekend’s sale at his local Mitsubishi dealership in honor of Memorial Day. “I get this sinking feeling when it comes to commercialism that takes advantage of a day to honor our fallen brothers in arms,” Thompson […]

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We didn’t want to invite John Walker Lindh to our Memorial Day party, but his potato salad is so damn delicious


WASHINGTON—Every year, millions of Americans gather on the last Monday in May to drink, barbecue, socialize, and remember the fallen. But we all have that one friend who we know would be an unwelcome addition to the party. Nobody wants to invite him, but his potato salad is just so good that we have to. […]

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Opinion: Once again, my shithead husband will be deployed for the birth of our child


Samantha Pourier is the wife of Army Maj. Paul Pourier, who is preparing for a deployment to Iraq later this year. Well, it’s that time again. I’m three months pregnant, which means my idiot husband is getting ready to go to war. Sometimes he jokes that all he does is come home, get me wine-drunk […]

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