Hangin' on Posco Pier!
THE PENTAGON — Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John Richardson applauded the Navy’s return to what he called “its storied tradition of false flag operations” in a speech on Friday, several attendees confirmed. In remarks to senior Navy leaders, Richardson noted that the American fleet has been blaming provocations at sea on outsiders since Yankee […]
WASHINGTON—The Army will celebrate its birthday today with the rite of passage every service endures once it reaches a certain age, the dreaded prostate exam, sources say. Over the past 244 years, the Army has enjoyed relatively good health, with the exception of a few minor hiccups post-Vietnam and after the Gulf War, the Army […]
OKLAHOMA CITY, Okla.—The wife of Army Chaplain Mike Phillips, Amy, has just been spotted entering a dildo store 350 miles from her home, sources confirm. According to anecdotal reports, it is often difficult for spouses of the clergy to indulge in their love of cock, due to the busybody nature of congregants and parishioners. Spouses […]
BOSTON—A sticky note saying “BROKEN” likely remain on an unplugged piece of equipment until the end of time, the Coast Guard Cutter Escanaba (WMEC-907) confirmed Wednesday. Reports indicate the sticky note appeared several months ago after an unknown Electronics Technician, who witnesses believe was performing planned maintenance, placed the note to remind others to not […]
WILMETTE, Ill – On Saturday evening, Private First Class Mark Vance told a collection of fellow New Trier High School graduates “Every Marine is a rifleman first.” Vance, whose primary Military Occupational Specialty is as an Admin Clerk—“not at all like a secretary,” according to Vance—spends virtually all day, every day typing. Vance’s comments confused […]
EL CAJON, Calif.—Speaking to reporters at his home office in California’s 50th District, Duncan Hunter seemed perplexed as to why Americans have gotten so upset about relatively minor war crimes allegedly committed by Chief Special Warfare Operator Eddie Gallagher. “I honestly don’t get it,” Hunter exclaimed. “Eddie Gallagher killed, like, a handful of civilians. When we […]
THE PENTAGON—Many U.S. military staff officers are hoping for war with Iran, Duffel Blog has learned. These officers cite two reasons, sources familiar with the subject report: First, the U.S. has already gone to war with two of Iran’s neighbors and is familiar with the region. Second, many strategists believe the Iranian military machine will […]
FORT SILL, Okla.—Millennial recruits and their helicopter parents are demanding answers after the Army’s “Call for Fyre Festival” failed to deliver on its promises of extravagant music performances, celebrity appearances, and unrestricted free-fire zones. The festival began as a recruiting gimmick to attract Millennials, but ballooned into a social-media phenomenon, enticing the nation’s youth to […]
OTTUMWA, Iowa— Yesterday, America observed the 75th anniversary of D-Day. Some spent the day with local World War II veterans. Others visited military cemeteries to honor those who made the ultimate sacrifice. But all Americans held fast to the central tenet of the day and our nation as a whole: calling people we disagree with Nazis. […]
FORT HOOD, Texas—Sgt. Freddy Heflin, 1st Battalion, 9th Cavalry Regiment (“Head Hunters”), and his bride-to-be, Miss Adrienne Pickens, of the Pickens family from Cut and Shoot, Texas, were flummoxed on Saturday when their wedding was interrupted by an intruder calling himself “Freddy from the future,” witnesses say. According to a specialist who was acting as […]