Hangin' on Posco Pier!
TOKYO—National Security Adviser John R. Bolton has spent the last week vacationing in Japan, according to sources close to the White House. He spent the last three days touring the “battlefields” of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, according to the sources. Hiroshima and Nagasaki are well known as the targets of U.S. atomic bombings in 1945 that […]
FORT KNOX, Ky.—Recruiting legend Staff Sgt. Rohman recently sat down to offer advice drawn from his experience working in military recruiting out of the strip mall, between the “adult toy” store and the off-brand donut shop. “We do this stuff with nearly every recruit these days.” Rohman says. “It all really depends on how many […]
WASHINGTON—Since 1775, the United States has had an Army, and for most of those 244 years it has been called the “United States Army.” But now the service will drop the words and initials from its title, calling itself simply “Army,” a radical rebranding campaign that some hope will distance Army from what a senior […]
When in the course of the division training schedule it becomes necessary to release the soldiery, sailory, and, er, Marinery on a 4-day weekend for this momentous July 4 holiday, marking the 243rd year of independence of these United States, it also becomes necessary for His Excellency, the Commander-in-Chief, to exhort you to practice the […]
THE PENTAGON—Sources say the newest Sergeant Major of the Army plans to field a throwback uniform to inspire pride within the ranks and prepare the Army for the impending wars with Iran, North Korea, Venezuela, Russia, China, and The Duchy of Monaco. “The ‘pinks and greens’ represent the last time the Army was truly great,” […]
In a major twist in the trial of a Navy SEAL accused of stabbing an ISIS prisoner to death, Chief Special Warfare Operator Eddie Gallagher has come forward with a new confession that has thrown prosecutors for a loop. “The ISIS prisoner that I stand accused of murdering is, in fact, still alive, and I […]
COLUMBIA, Mo.—A report commissioned by Granny and Poppop has found that family members unanimously blame you for your younger cousin Theo’s decision to enlist in the Marine Corps. The news comes in the wake of Theo’s announcement at the Memorial Day cookout that he had joined the Delayed Entry Program and would be shipping to […]
WASHINGTON—President Donald H. Trump announced today that the Independence Day holiday would move earlier so that it can be the “number one day” in July. “My whole life has been about being the best, number one, the best. Not the fourth,” the president said. “The fourth is for losers. America’s birthday shouldn’t be number two, […]
FORT BRAGG, NC—In what is both breaking news and a depressingly familiar twist of fate, your upcoming weekend has been cancelled because Army, numerous sources report. Mass text messages conveying the bad news alerted everyone in your unit that there would be a recall formation Saturday morning at 0600, presumably for no particular reason other […]
ARLINGTON, Va.—The builder for a revolutionary Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) contract announced Monday that it has successfully produced a new type of fully autonomous grass that yells at anyone who walks on it. “The Autonomous Shouting Sod System is the result of six years of research and development,” announced Darrel Hoffstetter, president of […]