Hangin' on Posco Pier!
STUTTGART, Germany—Military liaison officers throughout Europe are anxiously watching developments after Major Marco Lopez, U.S. Army Europe (USAREUR) liaison to Headquarters, U.S. European Command (HQ USEUCOM), was relieved of duties for willfully working. According to reports, Lopez violated all known liaison officer professional standards by reporting for duty before 0800 on a beautiful Friday, efficiently […]
FORT BRAGG, N.C.—Maj. Sandra Jones has been whispered about throughout the SERE—survive, evade, resist, escape—community for weeks, as one of the very few attendees ever who seemed to completely enjoy the stressful training. “We can’t put our finger on it. We usually get the younger kids through this course, but Maj. Jones is a little […]
MIST COUNTY, Minn.—After a long career, it is finally time for National Guard Brigadier General James “Lucky” Lawrence to put away his lightly used combat boots. On Friday, he will retire from the Minnesota Guard after a long career in which he avoided service in in four American wars. He couldn’t be prouder. The general, […]
1. The Phalanx Why do millennials hate the ideal military formation, one that managed to create an offensive infantry juggernaut while protecting against frontal assault and cavalry? We don’t know. But nowadays, these snowflakes can’t fight a war without getting on their phones and calling air support or EOD robots to help them out. Google […]
FORT BENNING, Ga.—Researchers studying the superhuman physical stamina and questionable dental health of a group of 100 sergeants major has concluded that their success can be attributed, in part, to religious use of preworkout supplements. “Stores like GNC have been selling preworkout boosters as pills and powders for years, “ said Col. Ryan Madison, the […]
JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash.—U.S. Special Forces Command has announced Sgt. First Class Clifford Randall has been stripped of his Special Forces tab and Bronze Star as a result of an investigation surrounding his use of issued equipment during a 2017 deployment. Randall, a Special Forces soldier since 2005, lost all of his awards and accolades […]
ASGARD—Valhalla has been on lockdown for the past millennium, as warrior souls have been searching for the missing hammer of Thor, according to Valkyries close to the situation. “We narrowed down the possible location to a few billion cubic light years of empty space,” said Egil, legendary hero and brother of Wayland the Smith. “However, […]
JOINT BASE ANDREWS, Md.—In honor of Erectile Dysfunction Awareness Day, Joint Base Andrews commander Col. Richard Weinerstein has ordered all flags flown at half-staff. “Many of our airmen find this condition is hard,” said Weinerstein, “Or semi-hard.” MWR and family programs are supporting the day’s awareness events with a partially inflated bouncy house. “It’s time […]
WASHINGTON — Officers across the military who have been awarded Bronze Stars say they are terrified for the future after learning that President Donald Trump had on Wednesday rescinded four bullshit awards handed out to Navy prosecutors who lost the murder trial of SEAL Chief Eddie Gallagher. “If POTUS figured out these guys don’t deserve […]
SOMEWHERE IN CYBERSPACE—Infamous military conspiracy theorist and U.S. Marine Corps veteran John Lazarus has a problem: He can’t believe it’s not butter. Moreover, Lazarus has a new theory that he’s been sharing across Reddit and the rest of the internet: It is butter. Lazarus recently told his dozen of followers, “I knew this one went […]