Hangin' on Posco Pier!
THE MIDDLE EAST — Amid fighting between the United States and Iran and escalating tensions in the Middle East, Green Beans Coffee has recalled thousands of reserve baristas to active duty, sources confirmed today. Share “Our brave reserve baristas stand ready at a moment’s notice to serve artisan lattes on the front lines of faraway […]
WASHINGTON — Retired general and former Secretary of Defense James “Mad Dog” Mattis emerged from a time machine in the nation’s capital today, recoiling in horror at the devastation wrought by his accidental disturbance of Earth’s timeline. Share “It was just one butterfly…” he stammered while shakily reading a Washington Post headline about North Korean […]
WASHINGTON — The Department of the Army has launched a new pilot outreach initiative called “Relatable Resilience,” which aims to deliver essential training and readiness messages through “culturally resonant cringefluencers” with “verified Instagram accounts and court cases that wrapped this month,” officials confirmed today. Share Their first hire? Freshly acquitted music mogul and occasional motivational […]
Just because you can’t have a face tattoo doesn’t mean he can’t. WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth recently issued a slew of new policy directives to create a lethal fighting force that rewards individual initiative, excellence, and hard work based on merit as demonstrated through tasteful body art. Share “When I served in uniform, […]
LOS ANGELES — U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) deported Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps Carlos Ruiz on Monday, officials confirmed, marking the first time the nation’s senior enlisted Marine has been tackled mid-motivational speech and whisked across international borders. Share Ruiz, who was born in Sonora, Mexico, had been visiting the 2nd Battalion, […]
WASHINGTON — In a significant development in both foreign policy and snack branding, President Donald Trump announced today that all future U.S. military strikes on Iran will be officially sponsored by PepsiCo. Share Under the terms of the groundbreaking agreement, Pepsi has secured exclusive branding rights to the country and renamed it “Pepsistan” following the […]
WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs will introduce reverse disability ratings in an effort to address its perennial budget shortfalls, sources confirmed today. Beginning in 2026, the VA will assign negative disability ratings to veterans, charging them for any physical or mental health “improvements” resulting from their service. Share Officials say veterans will be […]
RAMSTEIN AIR BASE, GERMANY — As World War III came to an end recently with no clear victor, the one constant throughout the entire fight was the C-5 Galaxy sitting on the ramp at Ramstein Air Base. What started as a hydraulic leak led to an overhaul of the hydraulic lines throughout the aircraft, spanning […]
WASHINGTON — As the nation gears up for its annual fiery tribute to independence, the Department of Defense is urging a moment of somber reflection for a unique demographic of American heroes: those who, through a confluence of patriotism and questionable judgment, sacrificed their limbs during last year’s Fourth of July celebrations. Share A new […]
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced earlier this week that the USNS Harvey Milk (T-AO-206) will be renamed USNS James Earl Ray, but after a different individual with the same name. Share “This ship will honor someone significantly less gay,” Hegseth said in a video message from his office, sipping sweet tea with […]