Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
WASHINGTON – The Coast Guard Investigative Service (CGIS) is investigating the death of Commandant of the Coast Guard Adm. Karl L. Schultz, whose body was discovered Sunday morning. Anonymous sources report the medical examiner says his cause of death was “being punched 230 times” during a birthday celebration for the Coast Guard with leaders from…
WASHINGTON — Naval Sea Systems Command has certified the troubled Electromagnetic Aircraft Launch System (EMALS) to perform burials at sea. The USS Gerald R. Ford (CVN-78) Navy’s newest carrier has had a host of problems, including a catapult incapable of launching the Navy’s newest aircraft, the F-35C Lightning II. President Donald Trump, upset about the…
FORT DRUM, NY – Second Lt. Marcus Trevor is excited about making a good first impression at his first duty station. The 23-year-old infantry officer spent the past three and a half hours at a local Barnes and Noble examining different journals and notebooks to use as his leader book when he reports to the…
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Taylor Swift shocked the world last week by releasing an album with just 16 hours notice. Swift says the album Folklore was inspired by imagination and memory, but one popular internet theory proposes that Swift has actually long been inspired by military experiences. The proof is in the lyrics: I see it…
WASHINGTON — Pentagon leaders are concerned and totally jealous after China announced that its famed army of 8,000 terracotta sculptures has completed every course of the People’s Liberation Army mandatory web-based training. Col. Marcus Bullock, spokesperson for Army G-3 Training branch, said that China has a long tradition of stifling levels of bureaucracy similar to…
FORT STEWART, Ga. — Soldiers of the 599th Quartermaster Battalion are celebrating their new unit motto, which acknowledges the unit is likely nowhere near the tip of the spear. “Look, we realize we’re not combat arms, special operations, or those beefy signals intelligence guys,” said Lt. Col. Michael Longinus, the 599th battalion commander. “But we…
The following is a discussion between Robert J. O’Neill, a former Navy SEAL who claims to have killed Osama bin Laden and Timothy Goldman, a 17-year old fast food worker. POINT: I’m former Navy SEAL Robert J. O’Neill. I’m sure you’re dying to ask so I’ll just get it out of the way. Yes, I’m…
THE PENTAGRAM — Today Secretary of Defense Mark T. Esper told President Trump that critical instructions to military units worldwide were delayed because a dog ate his Orders Book. “I’m sorry,” Esper reportedly told the president, “but because of that dog, we no longer have your orders to bomb the new Chinese island bases in…
LANGLEY AFB, Va. — During a staff meeting, Air Force Captain Richard “Action” Jackson continued his habit of fucking up common military phrases. Jackson, a 2016 graduate of the Air Force Academy, has lifted his word choices to a new level of late. According to a source in the room during the meeting, Jackson, while…
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Responding to pressure from the Trump Administration, the Army has agreed to shelve plans to rename Fort Slavery Was Cool, an Army post located just outside of Birmingham. “While the goal of Army leadership was well intentioned,” said Secretary of Defense Mark Esper in a statement, “the fact is that Fort Slavery…