Category: UNSATegorized

For d-bags that can’t get it right…

Space Force happy people would rather steal its valor than Coast Guard’s


PETERSON AFB, Colo. — Since its inception in December 2019, Space Force stolen valor cases are on the climb. Rather than addressing the crisis, however, Space Force leaders kept with their customs as the newest military branch and took an unconventional stance, using the problem to rip the U.S. Coast Guard. “Of course, we don’t condone…

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Toxic Air Force colonel promoted to toxic Air Force general


THE PENTAGON — A toxic Air Force colonel who had previously berated her Wing subordinates to the point they would crawl under their desks and cry has been promoted to a toxic Air Force general at the Pentagon with ambitious plans to berate and humiliate even more people under her at Air Force headquarters. “I…

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SEAL Team 6 to ditch body armor to prove they’re not ‘p–sies’


In an act of solidarity with self-avowed super SEAL Rob O’Neill, members of the elite SEAL Team 6 said today they would no longer wear body armor since as one operator explained, “I’m not a pussy.”  In a statement to Duffel Blog, Naval Special Warfare spokesman Lt. Matt Stroup said the Dam Neck, Va.-based unit…

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‘He’s A Marine’ spouse gives your weekend safety brief


The following is a weekend safety briefing from the famed ‘He’s a Marine’ spouse, who recently made a TikTok video providing proof of life of her Marine husband. Be, Marines, this weekend! Ooh rah. Don’t eat, crayons. Scream: Essayons! **Pom pom dance** Strippers. No good, for wallets. But it’s good to support them through college….

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Duffel Blog Presents: The 5 best tips for women to dodge the draft


It used to be the only people that could get voluntold into military service were men, but change is on the horizon. Between last year when a Federal Judge ruled the Selective Service System unconstitutional and the new results from the National Commission on Military, National, and Public Service panel, it looks like the fairer…

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Army headquarters commander demands more respect around here


FORT LEE, VA. — After six months in the company commander seat for the headquarters and headquarters company, Capt. Jairo Milan is wondering why he doesn’t get the same respect of other captains that are in charge of line companies. “This was supposed to be the highlight of my career. Every officer looks forward to…

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New military pay charts to compensate women 23% less than men


WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has released its 2020 military pay chart, which has introduced separate pay rates for men and women in the uniformed service for the first time in history, sources confirmed today. The change, resulting in female service members receiving 23% less than their male counterparts, has been billed as ‘progressive and timely’…

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‘Not racist’ soldier has surprisingly negative things to say about supply NCO


FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. — A soldier in the 101st Airborne Division who claims he’s “not racist” during every argument he has about the Confederate flag, has surprisingly negative things to say about his supply NCOs. After weeks of trying to clear the installation to move on to his next duty station, Spc. Marshall James has…

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Department of Defense plans to win next war by using only #hashtags


PENTAGON — The emergence of new technologies has caused a major shift in how the Pentagon plans to handle future conflicts. With the Pentagon’s recent discovery and integration of #hashtags, officials are hoping that future service members will be able to fight the country’s battles with the simple touch of a cell phone keyboard. The soon-to-be-ensconced…

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CyberCom scrambles after lieutenant accidentally deletes Alaska


FORT MEADE, Md. — Chaos erupted this week at U.S. Cyber Command’s Joint Operations Center when, while conducting routine internal training, Air Force 2nd Lt. David Larson inexplicably deleted the State of Alaska. Sirens blared and red emergency lights flooded the JOC shortly after Larson demonstrated on a projection screen “a neat trick” he taught…

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