Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
WASHINGTON — Raytheon won an exclusive contract to send six retired guys out to stare at shit, sources report. The six guys will come out next week and will wander around for a month. For a few hours a day they will stand in front of a computer stack and stare at it with their…
WASHINGTON — The American people have been rocked by revelations that Galactus, god of oblivion, devourer of worlds, was detected today approaching our galaxy at a speed that can only be described as ludicrous. After the news broke of the planet’s impending doom, White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany told reporters, “The President has been…
NELLIS AFB, Nevada — The initial fielding of Air Force tactical robot dogs revealed a potentially critical glitch: The dogs are depressed by their unfulfillable need to lick their non-existent gonads. On a recent exercise, robot dogs impressed observers with their capabilities to maneuver and provide information to human handlers, all without constantly stopping to…
LASHKARGA, Afghanistan — Representatives of the Taliban, Al-Qaeda, and ISIS gathered today in the capital of the Helmand Province of Afghanistan to celebrate breaking ground on the long-awaited Joint Terrorism Center of Excellence. The JTCE is intended to bring together the best minds of international terror organizations in an effort to streamline operations and standardize…
ARLINGTON, Va. — Whoa. We knew the military made mistakes from time to time, but we never thought it could gaff up quite like this. When coworkers found this lifeless corpse apparently dead at its desk in the Pentagon, their first thought was that it must have been a soldier who was courageously killed in…
FORT IRWIN — We knew shit was weird this year, but the truth is finally coming out! Those rascals down at the Fort Irwin National Training Center have had themselves quite a busy year, throwing injects into reality this entire time. Besides the obvious lists of wackiness and genuine tragedy, we’ve had the sort of…
CAPE CORAL, Fla. — Weeks after the Trump Boat Parade over Labor Day Weekend, the Fort Myers Beach Coast Guard Station is now at the center of a boater suppression claim bolstered by a lawsuit filed by organizers of the event. On September 5, Trump supporters united at the Horton Park Boat Ramp Cape Coral…
THE PENTAGON — Army leaders announced the introduction of a new physical fitness test that measures resilience and muscular endurance by testing how much pain a soldier can feel over 20 years. “For decades we’ve been using imprecise metrics,” said Sgt. Maj. of the Army Michael Grinston. “The APFT measures physical endurance for 20 minutes or so. The…
THE PENTAGON — A leaked intelligence report has revealed that the much vaunted “near-peer threat” the Defense Department has been preparing to do battle with is, in fact, just three Islamic Afghanistans stacked on each other’s shoulders in a trench coat. The Pentagon, however, has rushed to deny these claims. “There is absolutely no way…
BOSTON, Mass. — Biblical scholars at the Boston University School of Theology made a momentous announcement earlier today: King David of Bethlehem, the ancestor of Jesus Christ known for slaying the giant Goliath and being a “man after God’s own heart”, was — in fact — the first “Jody” in documented history. “They say history…