Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
The Crab Nebula: SECTOR 15 “The days are getting longer. We have been in quarantine here for seven days. The rations are running low. We ran out of beer on the second day. The sector maps are too difficult to understand. We are lost. We are Lieutenants.” As the high-yield murder machine of the coronavirus…
YPSILANTI, Mich. — In a world becoming more interconnected every day, militia groups across the US are fighting to reclaim an industry they view as being increasingly dominated by foreigners — Domestic Terrorism. One such militia based out of Michigan, calling themselves the Wolverine Watchmen, rocketed to prominence this past week after several members were…
SEATTLE, Wash. — A startup consisting of retired members of the E4 Mafia has developed a new way to experience coffee: by exposing it to the alcoholic wastelands of veteran innards. The discovery was accidental—as most discoveries involving retired E4s are. A strange series of events involving alcohol, fuzzy slippers, and $100 bet ended in…
FORT LEAVENWORTH, Kan. – The Army University Press announced plans to publish a fan fiction snuff erotica novel titled, Fifty Shades of War about the famed Prussian general and military theorist Carl von Clausewitz and his French-Swiss contemporary and adversary, Antoine-Henri Jomini. A spokesperson for the institution said the press was publishing the book to…
NORFOLK, VA. — Morale onboard the USS Anzio (CG-68) skyrocketed today after the command’s mandatory fun concert was canceled, sources report. “We were all going to have to gather on the mess decks to watch a virtual concert,” Fire Controlman Third Class Jack Sanders said. “It was some Army band that we had to see…
Chris Wallace: “Greetings ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the weekend safety brief. I’ll be your moderator, Chris Wallace. This afternoon’s safety will cover a variety of topics, including alcohol consumption, driving, sexual safety, and other topics. Each of our candidates, President Donald J. Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden, will have two minutes…
WASHINGTON — Pandemonium struck the United States today as the capital was overwhelmed in a surprise flu d’état led by the so-called Coup Flu, COVID-19. The virulent virus, which has spread across the world with breathtaking speed most of the year, has been circling the power elite in Washington for some time. Despite an ever…
PENTAGON — As the Joint Chiefs of Staff (JCS) settle in for a two-week quarantine following Coast Guard Vice Commandant Charles W. Ray’s positive coronavirus test, Marine Corps Commandant General David H. Berger celebrated the Corps’ failure to be “first in.” “I know being first in, last out is a point of pride for Marines,…
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN — Officials in Afghanistan’s Independent Election Committee announced they are working closely with the United Nations to deploy teams of police and soldiers to the United States to provide oversight and monitoring services, and to help the U.S. secure its polling sites for the November elections. “It is our duty ensure American citizens…
DAYTON, Ohio — Air Force veteran Blake Miller is reported to be in “stable condition” after his PTSD was triggered by a ringtone that reminded him of his active duty days. “It happened so suddenly, like flipping a switch,” says Yara Parsons, who works in the cubicle next to Miller’s at his civilian job. “One…