Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
“Can I Graduate, Can I look into the faces that I meet, Can I get my punk-ass off the street, I’ve been living on for so long…”
WASHINGTON — A RAND Corporation study has concluded that less sleep for military service members will equal more productivity. Despite the claims of scientist, doctors, and service members themselves that sleep is vital to success, the Department of Defense has labeled these claims as evidence of “weak genes.” In the wake of the study, the military…
THE PENTAGON — Researchers from the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), the secretive scientific organization tasked with developing cutting-edge technologies for national security agencies, unveiled a paradigm-shifting artificial intelligence that they claim is capable of committing the nation to unwinnable wars hundreds of time faster than human military and political leaders. If true, the…
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Fort Bragg, the Army’s crown jewel and national STD hotspot, is about to get shittier. The installation took a step closer toward energy security with a massive contract to burn soldiers’ crap and harvest the methane for electricity. Typical Army-housed power generation, such as solar farms, can provide backup for a…
WASHINGTON – Everyone looks for the creepiest, spookiest, and most terrifying costumes for Halloween, but this soldier is taking it too far—by dressing up as Fort Hood! “Yikes! I got a big scare when he turned the corner!” said Chief of Staff of the Army General James McConville. “Fort Hood haunts my dreams. Even when I think I…
QUANTICO, Va. — Celebrities everywhere are devastated by cancellations of this year’s Marine Corps balls due to Covid-19, sources report. “Every year I hope some teenager with a shaky grasp on reality asks me to an office party via YouTube,” Janelle Monae said. “People will take it seriously because he’s a Marine, and I’ll spend…
YOUR NEW DUTY STATION—Sources are reporting that you didn’t make enough copies of your orders, and are about to be royally fucked and unable to continue in-processing. This oversight will overwhelmingly influence your reputation with not only garrison administrative staff, but also your new chain of command. “What kind of jackoff doesn’t have enough copies…
WASHINGTON — Frantic grabbing, yelling, and hoarding are not behaviors limited to the playground. A senior Department of Defense official revealed that such methods also help determine the annual defense budget, to the surprise of pretty much nobody. “We’ve been copying kid’s games for years,” said Thomas Killigan, Undersecretary of Defense for Budget and Infighting….
CINCINNATI, Ohio – During a campaign swing through Ohio this week, former vice president Joe Biden promised that if he is elected president, he will let “the troops decide” where the United States should invade next. “For too long, political leaders from both sides of the aisle have used the military in questionable adventures overseas,…
NEVADA TEST AND TRAINING RANGE, Nev. — After winning a competition at the military’s annual Red Flag exercise, an Air Force Small Diameter Bomb II was just too intelligent for those Navy dumb bombs, according to a sea service Mk 82 general purpose bomb. Mk 82, callsign “Dumbass,” said the “StormBreaker” bomb contains brains that…