Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
By Slab Squatthrust YOUR BASE — It happens every year. We’re minding our own business when suddenly that staff sergeant or chief petty officer who made your life a living hell so many years ago has asked you to attend their inevitable retirement ceremony. If you frequently find yourself dreading the very sight of the […]
By Bad Lawyer WASHINGTON — Prominent barracks lawyer Pfc. Ruben Hernandez is advising President Trump to issue himself a pardon for inciting a deadly riot inside the nation’s Capitol on Thursday that should also shield him from criticism for an inevitable retweet in support of “QAnon shaman,” sources confirmed today. Hernandez, an Army infantryman stationed […]
By Bull Winkle WASHINGTON — A draft strategic plan titled Army Strategy for 2021: Baby Steps aims to tackle the Army’s toughest national military problems 15 minutes at a time, sources confirmed today. “The pace for national security direction pretty much matches the 24-hour news cycle,” said Col. Karen Bletchley of the Army Strategic Study […]
By Addison Blu As President Donald Trump continues to falsely claim he won the 2020 presidential election, wary Pentagon officials insisted on Monday that this year the U.S. military would only interfere in foreign elections. “It would be wrong to use our troops in a place where the law and the democratic process is already […]
By Cat Astronaut THE PENTAGON — Leaders across the Department of Defense celebrated the Christmas holiday by exchanging lobbyists, sources confirmed today. “Ooh, is that a Raytheon? I’ve always wanted a Raytheon!” Acting Defense Secretary Christopher Miller said during the annual Pentagon Christmas party while shaking a man-sized box sitting under a Christmas tree in […]
By W.E. Linde PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced on Wednesday that military members who served during the War on Christmas will now receive a medal in recognition of that service. “At the urging of President Trump and Acting Secretary of Defense Christopher Miller, the Joint Chiefs of Staff have approved the War on […]
By Bull Winkle ANNAPOLIS, Md. — After losing the annual Army-Navy football game, a coach for the Naval Academy’s midshipmen is ditching 130 years of tradition and refusing to concede the win to the Army team, sources confirmed today. “We all know that Army only won this game by stealing it,” said Navy Assistant Coach […]
By Grumpy WASHINGTON — The Army’s newest two-star general, Maj. Gen. Billy-Bob Bobson V, has been hailed by Army brass and former presidents as “a profoundly wise man” and “a folksy, down-to-earth leader.” But an explosive investigation has found that Bobson is just an idiot, according to sources. Bobson had been slated to become deputy […]
By Cat Astronaut THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced new plans today to replace the U.S. military’s longstanding “all-volunteer” recruiting model with an “all-voluntold” one. “We took a look at the numbers and realized we needed a better model for attracting America’s best and brightest into the ranks,” said Matthew Donovan, the Undersecretary […]
By Addison Blu FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Your company first sergeant needs half a dozen motivated dick beaters to assist in enforcing a military suppression of rights and laws, sources confirmed today. The unit is hurrying up and waiting after former U.S. generals, public figures, and active government leaders have called for martial law in […]