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By As For Class We have been plagued with them for decades. Signature block quotes that just hit you right in the cringe bones. Duffel Blog has asked its writers to choose the best of the worst. Here are their selections. 17: “He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight.” […]
Don’t mind me. By As For Class YOUR LAPTOP — A discrete bit of Trojan horse code named Brad has infected your computer after it was attached to a friendly email purportedly sent by Roxy, the stripper you met last week. Sources confirmed the operation was supposed to hijack your Marine Corps life, but it ended […]
Retired Army Lt. Gen. Arland Sanders says he’ll improve refreshment metrics at PepsiCo as it moves into an era of Great Powerade Competition. By Blondes Over Baghdad PURCHASE, N.Y. — A retired Army general who recently joined the PepsiCo board of directors has vowed to win the War on Thirst by improving refreshment metrics by […]
By W.E. Linde AUSTIN, Texas — Research scientists at the U.S. Army Futures Command and the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency are concerned that their most advanced artificial intelligence project to date may in some ways be “too successful,” according to several sources. Driving that concern is that the AI, dubbed SNUFI, suddenly asked during […]
A match made in Kabul. By Addison Blu FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Army Sgt. Adrien Farmer wants to find a woman who looks at him the way the Joint Chiefs of Staff look at Afghanistan, according to friends, family, and Tinder. “As an enlisted soldier, I’ve already experienced the typical four divorces,” Farmer told reporters. […]
By Cat Astronaut CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — The value of jalapeño cheese spread packets in Meals Ready-to-Eat (MREs) has skyrocketed in recent days as a Marine Corps unit entered its fourth week of an extended field exercise, sources say. “Everybody knew coming into this that blue-chip commodities like Grizzly wintergreen and Skittles would go up,” […]
By MapleSausage WASHINGTON — The federal government has unveiled a new funding option called ‘Work Until You Die’ for federal employees and uniformed service members under the Thrift Savings Plan, sources confirmed today. The new option is being offered alongside TSP’s 10 lifecycle (or “L”) funds that automatically allocate savings into other investments … Read […]
By Jack S. McQuack WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has mandated an Army-wide safety stand-down to address the dangers of casual antifreeze consumption, sources confirmed today. “We haven’t seen a crisis of this magnitude since our last global stand-down back in ‘08 to train soldiers on the dangers of sticking their heads in fans to make […]
Technical Sgt. Arthur C. Clarkson flying his privately-owned spacecraft to drill on the Moon. By The Shammer COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — A member of the Space National Guard who commutes from Colorado has expressed regret in picking the Moon as his drill base after leaving active duty, sources confirmed today. “Man, I really screwed myself […]
By As For Class ISLAMABAD, Pakistan — Though few outside the tight-knit bond of Naval Special Warfare know it, the last words Osama bin Laden heard before bullets strewn his body were, “Ohh, yeaaaah!” according to sources. SEALs who took part in the mission to kill the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks say the walls […]