Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
BEIJING — Waves of unexplained weirdness has swept through China after a successful CIA operation to distribute Tylenol, sources confirmed today. “Tylenol is a deadly poison that is causing outbreaks of autism in America,” CIA director John Ratcliff said, “so it makes perfect sense to send it to our adversaries. We buy 70% of our […]
MALE, Maldives — The military’s annual Warrant Officer Convention has been deemed a rousing success as over 5,000 officers’ hats registered and flew to the Indian Ocean paradise of the Maldives. The event sponsored by the U.S. Warrant Officers Association promised networking opportunities, updates on the state of the Warrant Officer Corps, and the chance […]
THE PENTAGON — Hours after the Pentagon announced it was renaming the Department of Defense to the Department of War, veteran-themed t-shirt companies launched an all-out sprint to design the douchiest War Department tee imaginable, sources confirmed today. “We sought to draw into question the physical, mental, and spiritual limits of the term ‘cringe,’” said […]
NORFOLK, Va. — The commanding officer of the USS Wasp can barely go five minutes without stamping out Marxism onboard, sources confirmed today. “Sailors used to show up and kill time until they could go home,” said Capt. John Burnum. “But that all changed with Biden. Ever since his presidency I’ve been fighting to contain […]
THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced today that it is now fully prepared to prioritize every combatant command, a decision coming after years of intense debate, strategic recalibration, pizza parties, and several high-stakes games of rock-paper-scissors in the Pentagon’s War Room. “We are fully committed to ensuring that EUCOM, INDOPACOM, AFRICOM, CENTCOM, SOUTHCOM, […]
MIAMI — The first wave of American troops made landfall in Venezuela this morning, seizing control of the nation’s strategic booty reserves on the outskirts of Caracas, U.S. Southern Command confirmed. Ground forces encountered little resistance at La Guaira, thanks in part to noncombatants distracting Bolivarian Armed Forces troops with cocuy and arepas at 0400. […]
THE PENTAGON — Following a brief ceremony in which President Donald Trump acknowledged that he’s actually okay with preferred pronouns, Duffel Blog had the unique opportunity to spend the day with freshly rebranded Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. “I’ll level with you — most mornings I wake up feeling like a tabless bitch who can’t […]
WASHINGTON — Pentagon leadership were stunned this morning to find they no longer had access to the nearly $1 trillion budget approved for the Department of Defense following its recent name change to the Department of War, sources confirmed today. A senior official from the Department of War Comptroller’s office told reporters that the problem […]
WASHINGTON — In a surprising pivot that has upended the national security establishment, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced this morning that the Department of Defense will cease all operations related to warfighting and instead shift its entire focus toward lethality. “War is not lethality," Hegseth said in an announcement video while wearing a sequined […]
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is calling for the unorthodox activation of January 6th veterans to augment the recent extension of a National Guard troops deployed in the nation’s capital, White House sources confirmed late last night. The president’s latest domestic show of militarized force follows closely on the heels of his August 11th directive […]