Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
ANNAPOLIS, Md. — The U.S. Naval Academy’s prestigious summer seminar, once known for instilling leadership, discipline, and an inexplicable obsession with boats, has unveiled its latest addition to the curriculum: Personnel Optimization Strategy (POS), a program designed to help high school students “recognize prejudice by reenacting it in excruciating detail.” Share The course, launched in […]
WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense has changed the name of Fort Huachuca, Arizona, to Fort Hawk Tua, sources confirmed today. The change comes after what officials vaguely described as an extensive and highly classified review process. Share Anonymous sources from the Pentagon hinted at a combination of factors for the name change that included […]
MONOLITH BASE, Badhikistan — In a tense domestic meeting last week, Cobra Commander urged his son to consider a career in the U.S. Air Force, sources confirmed today. Sources close to the transnational terrorist organization’s inner core say that Cobra Commander had been increasingly preoccupied with Billy’s future, particularly in the aftermath of the group’s disastrous […]
WASHINGTON — The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has unveiled its bold plan to reduce the Pentagon’s iconic five-sided structure into a more efficient and streamlined triangle, sources confirmed today. Yet the decision, hailed as a geometric marvel of cost-saving by DOGE officials, has ignited fierce backlash from defense insiders and civil servants alike. Share […]
THE MIDDLE EAST — Amid fighting between the United States and Iran and escalating tensions in the Middle East, Green Beans Coffee has recalled thousands of reserve baristas to active duty, sources confirmed today. Share “Our brave reserve baristas stand ready at a moment’s notice to serve artisan lattes on the front lines of faraway […]
WASHINGTON — Retired general and former Secretary of Defense James “Mad Dog” Mattis emerged from a time machine in the nation’s capital today, recoiling in horror at the devastation wrought by his accidental disturbance of Earth’s timeline. Share “It was just one butterfly…” he stammered while shakily reading a Washington Post headline about North Korean […]
WASHINGTON — The Department of the Army has launched a new pilot outreach initiative called “Relatable Resilience,” which aims to deliver essential training and readiness messages through “culturally resonant cringefluencers” with “verified Instagram accounts and court cases that wrapped this month,” officials confirmed today. Share Their first hire? Freshly acquitted music mogul and occasional motivational […]
Just because you can’t have a face tattoo doesn’t mean he can’t. WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth recently issued a slew of new policy directives to create a lethal fighting force that rewards individual initiative, excellence, and hard work based on merit as demonstrated through tasteful body art. Share “When I served in uniform, […]
LOS ANGELES — U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) deported Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps Carlos Ruiz on Monday, officials confirmed, marking the first time the nation’s senior enlisted Marine has been tackled mid-motivational speech and whisked across international borders. Share Ruiz, who was born in Sonora, Mexico, had been visiting the 2nd Battalion, […]
WASHINGTON — In a significant development in both foreign policy and snack branding, President Donald Trump announced today that all future U.S. military strikes on Iran will be officially sponsored by PepsiCo. Share Under the terms of the groundbreaking agreement, Pepsi has secured exclusive branding rights to the country and renamed it “Pepsistan” following the […]