Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
By Call Sign Buttercup FORT BRAGG – In a sign of the Army’s progress and “People First strategy,” soldiers of the 18th Field Artillery Brigade called their female commander an asshole instead of a bitch today. Pfc. Samuel Martino was immediately scolded after referring to Capt. Lisa Fillip as a “total bitch” and a “withering […]
By Dick Scuttlebutt WASHINGTON — Marine Gen. Frank McKenzie, the commanding general of U.S. Central Command, apologized last week for a drone strike that mistakenly killed the wrong vehicle full of children. “I offer my sincere apology,” McKenzie said. “We thought the car we were striking contained a terrorist and his large family, but in […]
By BYOBooyah NEW LONDON, CT — In a speech delivered Wednesday to the Coast Guard Academy, a school that does exist per Wikipedia, Coast Guard Adm. Toby Waverham chided Army leadership for failing to secure victory in the War on Terror. “I had to call up my buddy [General] McConville and say, Jimmy, pal, way […]
By Bull Winkle WASHINGTON, D.C. – To exact revenge on the Taliban, the Defense Department is turning to Hollywood’s deadliest stars. Spokesperson Col. Dale Lewis said the DOD intends to hire Liam Neeson for counterterrorism missions, part of U.S. commitment to fighting threats in Afghanistan, evacuating American citizens, and warming hearts. “Mr. Neeson excels in […]
By Paul J. O’Leary KUNDUZ, AFGHANISTAN — Social media experts are saying the only thing taking over Afghanistan faster than the Taliban is a popular new YouTube show called ‘Unpacking Afghanistan,’ which features two young Taliban fighters doing comedic gear reviews of captured U. S. and British military gear left behind during last month’s sudden […]
By Zoltar the Malignant WASHINGTON, D.C. – A newly declassified report alleges that the infamous vegetable and cheese omelet MRE was not accidentally spawned in a wet market, but was intentionally created in a laboratory to advance “gain-of-function” research into the development of even shittier field rations. The report from the United States Army Medical […]
By 29ReasonsWhy ST. GEORGE, S.C. – In an impasse that may hinder American political discourse for generations, local man Ronald Jeremiah is currently unable to post a Facebook status about a country he cared deeply about last week, because he cannot remember that country’s name. Jeremiah hopes the status, when completed, will unite Americans across […]
By Bull Winkle SHAKOPEE, Minn. — MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell claims that the Taliban’s seizure of control of Afghanistan is a deception, and offered to provide “conclusive, irrefutable” evidence that the U.S. actually won the conflict years ago. “Don’t buy the press lies,” said Lindell from the MyPillow corporate and cyber investigation headquarters. “We won […]
By Whiskey Fueled Tirade PENTAGON — President Joe Biden delivered a moving speech marking the 20th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks to the custodian cleaning the ninth corridor restroom on the Pentagon’s third floor, sources confirmed today. “I remember where I was on 11/11,” Biden said somberly. “When the flying things hit the— you know, […]
By Cat Astronaut AFGHANISTAN — With Afghanistan spiraling into chaos in recent weeks, the United States has reassured its Afghan partners that regardless of how bad things get, the American military-industrial complex will get through it and come out on the other side stronger than ever. “To our Afghan allies and partners, we know you’re […]