Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
SAN ANTONIO, Texas — The fate of the 747 slated as the new Air Force One, recently gifted from the government of Qatar, is in doubt. In a surprising decision, the Defense Counterintelligence and Security Agency (DCSA) denied the aircraft a top-level security clearance because of what officials call a “staggering amount” of close foreign […]
FORT IRWIN, California — Fort Irwin will be renamed to Fort Hitler in honor of Army Cpl. Johann A. Hitler, a German immigrant who served heroically with the Union Army during the Civil War, Army officials announced today. Share The decision, approved by a panel of Army historians in line with guidance from President Donald […]
FORT JACKSON, S.C. – In an unparalleled tale of military metamorphosis, Pvt. Jennifer “Pumpkin Spice” Johnson, self-proclaimed ‘basic bitch,’ has successfully navigated the rigors of Army basic training while discovering that she could be all she could be along the way. Johnson, who arrived at Fort Jackson with a suitcase full of UGG boots and […]
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Air Force awarded Elon Musk the Bronze Star this week for “exceptional service in theoretical cost-cutting and performative patriotism,” despite the tech mogul accomplishing nothing of measurable value during his six-month tenure as Director of Government Efficiency (DOGE). Share The award, typically reserved for acts of heroism or meritorious achievement in […]
KABUL — The Taliban has opened an official probe into allegations that women are being treated fairly within one of its Tax Collection units. The investigation was initiated with a plea to the International Criminal Court to examine “crimes against our humanity.” Share According to a report filed by the Department of Taliban Internal Affairs […]
TYSONS CORNER, Va. — Perched on the highest floor of a 31-story building and eating a sumptuous lunch provided by in-house chefs at AeroTechDyne Headquarters, retired Army Gen. Anthony Wayne told assembled generals from each of the services today that America is woefully under-resourced in a defense technology capability that is only sold by AeroTechDyne. […]
CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — In a groundbreaking yet predictable mishap that literally everyone saw coming, a Marine volunteer equipped with Elon Musk’s Neuralink has reportedly crashed Pornhub’s servers, causing an unprecedented digital blackout and a surge of confusion among users worldwide. Share Sgt. James Johnson, who volunteered for the Neuralink trial as part of a […]
THE PENTAGON — The U.S. Army announced today the long-awaited results of a years-long research study, and the findings are abundantly clear: Soldiers’ penises are, on average, about three inches larger than those of sailors in the U.S. Navy. The unusual study was commissioned by the Army Chief of Staff, in partnership with the Chief […]
NAPA VALLEY, Calif. — Citing unacceptable levels of the “forever chemical” PFAS in their bodies, California Governor Gavin Newsom formally amended the state’s environmental policy today to prohibit burials at Veterans Administration cemeteries throughout the state. Share “While the military will assuredly go on destroying the world in life, the Golden State will not allow them […]
FORT LIBERTY (OR WHATEVER THEY’RE CALLING IT NOW) — Chaos erupted at the Post Exchange this morning when the highly anticipated “Weekend Essentials” bundle — containing a can of Zyn nicotine pouches, a Monster energy drink, and a single condom — sold out within less than 10 minutes. Share According to eyewitness reports, a mob […]