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By Task Force Football Bat THE PENTAGON — Amid revelations of poorly-executed drone strikes in places like Afghanistan and Syria, military leaders today announced plans to send thoughts and prayers in the wake of every aerial attack. The plans come after several reports of mistakes and poor risk mitigation leading to staggering numbers of non-combatant […]
By Bull Winkle JOINT BASE PEARL HARBOR-HICKAM, Hawaii – Walter Nesbitt, a strategist at the U.S. Pacific Fleet (PACFLT) N5 Plans, is improving morale and effectiveness in his directorate by signing off emails with his own pithy thoughts. Nesbitt, a Navy GS-15, said that he likes how motivational quotes on emails enhance connections and warmth […]
By Cat Astronaut KABUL — Outside a facility where the Taliban is training up its next generation of soldiers, Taliban Sgt. Maj. Habibullah Mubakzai was seen berating new recruits for walking on his sand. “Ay there, freedom fighter! Get ‘chyer daggone filthy sandals off my sand!” Mubakzai screamed, as a number of terrified junior Taliban […]
By Bad Lawyer Since the Pentagon announced that Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin tested positive for Covid-19 earlier this week, multiple sources have confirmed he may be exaggerating his symptoms to stay home and have the most epic of weeks off. Austin made his initial announcement with a grave tone in his voice, clearly faking […]
Photo by Lukas from Pexels By Cobra Commander BOZEMAN, MT — The Montana Independent Liberation Force has discharged 24 soldiers for being vaccinated, militia spokesman Archduke LeRoy McGrimace announced. McGrimace confirmed the militiamen were involuntarily separated for receiving the vaccine against strict orders. “We understand that our soldiers have differing points of view on many […]
By Zoltar the Malignant MARINE CORPS BASE QUANTICO, Va. — A CIA analyst accidentally shot a defecting Russian submarine captain and killed his executive officer, according to NCIS investigators. Jack Ryan, a former Marine who authors books for the CIA, allegedly shot and wounded the captain after being handed a pistol aboard a prototype Russian […]
A screenshot from a video by Marine Lt. Col. Stuart Scheller. By RED Friday Marine Lt. Col. Stuart Scheller, who was discharged for making videos publicly questioning his chain of command while in uniform, has announced he will rebuild his credibility by appearing on Tucker Carlson this week. “Lt. Col. Stuart Scheller is excited for […]
Commander Claus, seen here accepting a sugary bribe. By Hunter J. Keith NORTH POLE, Republic of Claustria — Citing a pattern of hypocritical fitness standards, elves of the Arctic Toy Making Command expressed exasperation after Santa Claus once again obtained a waiver to pass his physical training test, a handful of elves told Duffel Blog […]
By Blondes Over Baghdad JOINT BASE NORTH POLE — North Pole Garrison commander Santa Claus has denied allegations that the eggnog in elf housing contains toxic levels of contaminates. Elves traditionally bathe, do dishes, and wash their tights and smocks in the public egg nog supply in elf housing. For many elves, the contaminated eggnog […]
By Jordan Hemlock The Pentagon announced today plans to move from its current DIME strategy in order to help deal with a recent economic downturn and rising inflation. National security policy development and implementation will now focus on the newly-coined NICKEL strategy: Nineteen-year-olds, Innovation, Cryptocurrency, Keto, Email, and Leg tucks. “We have all the ingredients […]