Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
By Zoltar the Malignant PORTSMOUTH, Va. — The ongoing controversy over how the Navy chooses names for its ships intensified this week following the launch of the USS Your Mother’s a Whore. The lead vessel of the Navy’s new class of supply ships was christened at Norfolk Naval Shipyard next to her sister ship, the […]
Photo by Cristina Gottardi on Unsplash By Slab Squatthrust POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. — Slightly upset that the grandson he raised couldn’t be bothered to join an actual armed service, a local Marine veteran grandfather was only mildly excited Monday that his grandchild, Baxter, has unceremoniously enlisted in the Coast Guard. “We always taught Baxter to follow […]
By Whiskey Fueled Tirade CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — The phrase ‘Til Valhalla’ may not apply to a young Marine who died last week while pleasuring himself in a porta-potty, according to a panel of barracks lawyers. The Camp Lejeune public affairs office released a statement that Lance Cpl. Travis “Skeet” Dunmire, a three-time lance corporal […]
By Paul J. O’Leary MARIUPOL, Ukraine — Yevgueny Orlov, a Russian mechanized infantry soldier, has suffered many hardships and losses since his unit invaded Ukraine last month. Through all of it, though, he takes heart knowing he is part of a long family tradition of returning home from war in disgrace. “My father fought in […]
By Cat Astronaut As Russia’s annual readiness exercise along its border with Ukraine enters its sixth week, reports indicate that as many as 15,000 Russian troops have been killed in the country’s longest and deadliest drill weekend on record. “Worst drill weekend ever,” said Russian army reservist Sgt. Evgeniy Volotov. “I have no idea where […]
Photo by Eliabe Costa on Unsplash By Addison Blu THE PENTAGON — Due to Russia’s ongoing attacks against Ukraine, the U.S. military has forbidden service members from playing Russian Roulette. “This is the Department of Defense’s own kind of sanction, a sign of solidarity,” Col. Andrew McDowell told journalists while pouring a bottle of Mr. […]
By Jordan Hemlock MOSCOW – Amid mass arrests on Friday, Russian senior leadership admitted their April Fools prank on Ukraine may have gone too far, but insisted the invasion was “all in good fun.” “Sadly, we see this a lot,” said Interpol President Ahmed Naser Al-Raisi, referring to Interpol’s annual statistics on April Fools pranks. […]
By Whiskey Fueled Tirade FORT BRAGG, N.C. – Army Capt. Jeremy Munsen came up with the perfect defense for proving his client’s innocence right after the jury found him guilty of murder, sources confirmed today. “The timing was way off,” Munsen said sheepishly as the bailiff placed his client in shackles. “I’ve been having kind […]
Photo by Piero Nigro on Unsplash By Bull Winkle MOSCOW – Addressing a rally supporting the war in Ukraine, Russian President Vladimir Putin considered the recent escalation in combat intensity and announced it “smells like victory.” “We have turned a corner towards final triumph,” said Putin. He called the “unfortunate” destruction of Ukrainian cities, nuclear […]
By Magnus Falcon MOSCOW — Russian President Vladimir Putin’s campaign to unite ethnic Russians in neighboring countries by destroying their cities and homes has been hamstrung due to what some security analysts say is a failure on the part of the Russian military elite to achieve the proper “need-to-know” approval. Sources revealed that the Russian […]