Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced today that it is now fully prepared to prioritize every combatant command, a decision coming after years of intense debate, strategic recalibration, pizza parties, and several high-stakes games of rock-paper-scissors in the Pentagon’s War Room. “We are fully committed to ensuring that EUCOM, INDOPACOM, AFRICOM, CENTCOM, SOUTHCOM, […]
MIAMI — The first wave of American troops made landfall in Venezuela this morning, seizing control of the nation’s strategic booty reserves on the outskirts of Caracas, U.S. Southern Command confirmed. Ground forces encountered little resistance at La Guaira, thanks in part to noncombatants distracting Bolivarian Armed Forces troops with cocuy and arepas at 0400. […]
THE PENTAGON — Following a brief ceremony in which President Donald Trump acknowledged that he’s actually okay with preferred pronouns, Duffel Blog had the unique opportunity to spend the day with freshly rebranded Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. “I’ll level with you — most mornings I wake up feeling like a tabless bitch who can’t […]
WASHINGTON — Pentagon leadership were stunned this morning to find they no longer had access to the nearly $1 trillion budget approved for the Department of Defense following its recent name change to the Department of War, sources confirmed today. A senior official from the Department of War Comptroller’s office told reporters that the problem […]
WASHINGTON — In a surprising pivot that has upended the national security establishment, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced this morning that the Department of Defense will cease all operations related to warfighting and instead shift its entire focus toward lethality. “War is not lethality," Hegseth said in an announcement video while wearing a sequined […]
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is calling for the unorthodox activation of January 6th veterans to augment the recent extension of a National Guard troops deployed in the nation’s capital, White House sources confirmed late last night. The president’s latest domestic show of militarized force follows closely on the heels of his August 11th directive […]
HE PENTAGON — Following the surprise decision to provide military funeral honors to Air Force veteran and January 6th tourist Ashli Babbitt, Under Secretary of the Air Force Matthew Lohmeier announced today that Elmendorf Air Force Base will be renamed in her honor. “Honor delayed is honor denied,” stated Lohmeier after quickly looking under his […]
WASHINGTON — U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) announced today that it has entered into a “groundbreaking and mutually beneficial security arrangement” with the Taliban to help identify, track, and deport Afghan interpreters who aided American forces during the 20-year war, along with their spouses and children. “America comes first — not foreigners, allies, or […]
THE PENTAGON — A long-awaited Pentagon audit has confirmed the root cause of America’s failures in Iraq and Afghanistan: Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s atrocious pull-up form, officials announced today. “I figured the audit would just say what every vet bro already knows — that we lost because of DEI, fluoridated water, and Milley’s ‘Pegging for […]
You’ve been preparing for this moment for 20 years.. Now it’s time to get that VA disability rating so you can finally admit you have a bad back, bad knees, bad ankles, and a bad life. It’s time for you to also fail your sleep study. After two decades of dedicated service, aching joints, functional […]