Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
WASHINGTON — A spokesman for the Pentagon has revealed that in addition to being very handsome and good at pull-ups, Secretary of Defense and Also War Pete Hegseth is absolutely hammered at all times. Sources say Hegseth, ever the dedicated patriot, maintains a steady blood alcohol content of exactly .1776 in honor of the nation’s […]
ARLINGTON, VA — Tourists on Friday at the The Tomb of The Unknown Soldier presented by AFLAC were treated to a new script announcing the changing of the guard. “Good morning, I am Sentinel Jameson,” the soldier said to the standing crowd. “Before I announce the ceremony you are about to witness, I’d like to […]
THE PENTAGON — American service members are used to shared suffering and the latest government shutdown has been no exception. Whether in the continental United States or on foreign shoes, from generals to privates, the month of October has been defined by financial uncertainty and reduced spending on all but the barest necessities. One guy, […]
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon says that soldiers are raving about the military’s ongoing conversion of toxic burn pits into flavored vape pits, sources confirmed today. “I’m proud to say we’ve replaced unhealthy fumes with tropical aromas,” boasted Dr. Steve Ferrara, acting assistant secretary of defense for health affairs, exhaling a custard-flavored cloud. “Our brave soldiers […]
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump took to Truth Social at 2:03 a.m. Friday to announce that a covert CIA operation in Venezuela would “go off without a hitch” next week. “MADURO CAN SUCK MY BALLS!” Trump posted in all caps. “NEXT WEEK OUR GREAT SPIES WILL STAGE A TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE REASON TO INVADE VENEZUELA. THE […]
THE PENTAGON — The Pentagon announced today that former Secretary of Defense/former Secretary of War Pete Hegseth will now hold the title CEO of War, following what officials described as a “full-blown tantrum” during a cabinet meeting. “Secretary is a lady job!” Hegseth reportedly shouted, while the adults in the room continued their discussions on […]
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon confirmed today that it has accepted an anonymous gift of 130 million cans of Skoal wintergreen smokeless tobacco that will be used to pay troops during the government shutdown. The donation comes after billions of cans of dip were repurposed from research and development efforts last month to make payroll. While […]
WASHINGTON — HGTV has launched a new reality series showcasing the versatility of the National Guard, the unlikely connection between horticulture and homeland security, and what Pentagon officials are calling the “new face of lethality.” The series, Gardening with the Guard, follows uniformed soldiers from the District of Columbia National Guard as they take on […]
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth used his Citibank government travel card to cover military payroll last week, according to senior Pentagon officials who described the move as “creatively illegal.” “Apparently Citibank sent a letter to President Trump stating that Secretary Hegseth is now delinquent in the amount of eight billion dollars,” said White House Press […]
CAMP PENDLETON, Ca. — When 1st Lt. Marshall Stevens graduated Yale with a 3.87 GPA, varsity letters in football and rugby, and one of only two coveted billets as an Assault Amphibious Vehicle Officer, he imagined a life of bold amphibious warfare. Instead, he now chairs meetings about spreadsheets. “I joined to fight my way […]