Category: UNSATegorized

For d-bags that can’t get it right…

Oh no, Chaplain just asked if you’ve ‘seen the news lately’


By BYOBooyah FORT HOOD, Texas — Amid the ongoing political turmoil surrounding the repeal of Roe v. Wade and expansion of gun laws, sources confirm that you accidentally loitered outside the Chaplain’s office and he now wants to chat. Not only does he want to have a conversation but he is clearly waiting to unload […]

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Army drops ‘living pulse’ requirement amid recruiting crisis


By Clay Beyersdorfer WASHINGTON — In the latest in a series of moves to address poor recruiting numbers, the Army is tossing its mandate for potential recruits to have a living pulse. An official announcement is expected “within the next week,” which will reportedly waive the longstanding “living-breathing heartbeat” requirement to enlist, and will apply […]

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Supreme Court overturns Army tattoo policy


By Paul J. O’Leary WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court voted on Friday to strike down Army Directive 2022-09 (Soldier Tattoo Policy), thereby reversing the recent policy that would allow soldiers to get tattoos on their hands, necks, and behind their ears.  In a 5-4 ruling, the Court struck down the tattoo policy as overly broad […]

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U.K. holds 245th annual July 4 hearings


By G-Had LONDON — The Parliament of the United Kingdom formally opened its 245th annual set of hearings today into what it described as “the unprovoked insurrection” which took place in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, on July 4, 1776. “This House will hear about plots to commit seditious conspiracy on July 4th, to overthrow Her Majesty’s Government […]

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9 badass quotes Mattis should have left out of his wedding vows


(Photo Credit: Twitter) By Cat Astronaut In a career spanning over five decades, Marine Corps legend and former Secretary of Defense James Mattis was known for his complete dedication to duty and the shunning of a personal life. Now, all that has changed: the “warrior monk” recently tied the knot, launching a new chapter in […]

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Cyber Commander stands up task force on how to open this PDF


By Cat Astronaut With cyber threats from nation-state actors like China and Russia on the rise, the commanding general of U.S. Cyber Command has created a special task force to figure out how to open this PDF. “I’ve been trying to open this thing for like 30 minutes, but the farthest I’ve gotten is that […]

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McDonald’s debuts McPTSD® on new veteran menu


CHICAGO, Ill., June 24, 2022 /DBNewswire/ — Today, McDonald’s is proud to unveil its Warfighter Honor Menu, available now through Veterans Day at all participating locations. All veterans, no matter what nationality, may enjoy it. That’s right: we do not discriminate against veterans of the SS, the Vietcong or the Wagner Group! Any veteran of […]

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Soldier gets best MRE in box without cheating


By Paul J. O’Leary FORT BLISS, Texas — Heroes don’t always wear capes. That’s certainly the case for Pfc. Carlos Ramirez, a soldier with the 11th Air Defense Artillery Brigade. During a recent field training exercise, or FTX, Ramirez accomplished an incredible feat: scoring the best MRE in the box without cheating.  “I never thought […]

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Lockheed, Raytheon to develop fetal body armor


Artistic rendering of up-armored fetus (Raytheon). WASHINGTON — In light of the recent Supreme Court ruling overturning Roe v. Wade, Lockheed Martin and Raytheon have announced immediate plans to develop fetal body armor. “We proudly support a female service member’s right to protect their unwanted fetuses from enemies foreign and domestic,” said Lockheed Martin CEO […]

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This soldier ACTUALLY knows your cousin/friend/old dry-cleaner


By Bad Lawyer If you served in any branch of the United States military, you know Staff Sgt. John Higgins. And chances are, Higgins knows you, too. Like most military service members, Higgins knows everyone that serves in every branch, so when civilians ask if he knows their cousin’s friend in the Air Force, a […]

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