Category: UNSATegorized

For d-bags that can’t get it right…

Navy relieves ship captain over repeated Wordle losses


THE PENTAGON — The U.S. Navy relieved the commanding officer of the USS Placentia (LCS-69) on Friday due to his inability to complete daily Wordle puzzles successfully. The Commander had only served three months as captain. Duffel Blog is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or […]

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Join our new subscriber chat


Greetings reader, On this glorious Tuesday, we’re announcing a brand new addition to our Substack publication: the Duffel Blog subscriber chat. So what is this, really? Let’s imagine that, hypothetically, you see a headline in the news: The Navy will now enlist recruits who score 10 on their ASVAB. That clearly should have been a […]

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Army to replace robots with cheaper, more expendable Marines


Image: U.S. Marine Corps, Pfc. Rhita Daniel WASHINGTON — In an effort to promote innovation while also keeping within budget, the U.S. Army has announced an initiative to replace its autonomous weapons systems with cheaper, more expendable Marines. “It’s really amazing what Marines are capable of these days,” Chief of Staff of the Army Gen. […]

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‘Black Powder Musket Coffee Company’ found in 250-year-old Revolutionary War records


By R.J. Williams Historians have uncovered printed and hand-written evidence of America’s early interest in coffee dating to the American Revolution, and in a surprise to many, its purveyors were skilled soldiers, supporters of private firearm ownership, and savvy merchants. “It’s important to note what we have and have not found,” says Columbia University historian […]

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Air Force ‘Rucking Club’ just golfing without cart


A member of the Air Force Rucking Club breaks for some brief muscular exertion before donning his ruck and continuing down the course. By R.J. Williams JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Washington — Air Force mobility aircrew, a flight surgeon, and a Force Support Squadron (FSS) officer at the 318th Airlift Wing have developed a new physical […]

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Ukraine war revealed as elaborate ‘Call of Duty’ ad campaign


SANTA MONICA — The ongoing war in Ukraine has been revealed to be an elaborate marketing campaign for Modern Warfare 2, the next game in the Call of Duty franchise. “We are excited to bring Call of Duty fans across the globe the next groundbreaking iteration in the Modern Warfare mythos,” said Activision Chief Marketing […]

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Pentagon recalls Thanksgiving MREs contaminated with real turkey


Editor’s note: Duffel Blog will return with new content on Monday after a short holiday break. Until then, we’re sharing Thanksgiving-related articles from our archive. Here’s a story we first published on Nov. 23, 2016. Enjoy! By Danger Close QUANTICO, Va. — The Pentagon on Wednesday issued an emergency recall of more than 750,000 Meals, […]

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Pardoned White House turkey defects to ISIS


Editor’s note: Duffel Blog will return with new content on Monday after a short holiday break. Until then, we’re sharing Thanksgiving-related articles from our archive. Here’s a story we first published on Nov. 26, 2014. Enjoy! WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senior U.S. officials are literally calling “fowl” after the Thanksgiving turkey pardoned by President Obama publicly […]

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Chelsea Manning accused of leaking grandma’s secret Thanksgiving recipes


By Off the Beaten Path WASHINGTON — Senior White House officials are on high alert following reports that Chelsea Manning has leaked her grandmother’s secret Thanksgiving recipes to Southern Living magazine. This marks the first time Manning has leaked secret documents to the public in over a decade. “This is the greatest form of treason […]

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Thank you from Duffel Blog


Very few people read the first Duffel Blog story published in 2012—which came true a few years later—but I kept at it and wrote a new article every few days, posting to social networks and sharing with friends. Some laughed. Others asked, “wait, wtf? Is this real?” And then, one day, I got an email […]

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