Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
By As For Class THE PENTAGON — The newly appointed Sergeant Major of the Army (SMA) announced today that every single member of the military, from privates to generals, will now be required to wear a green beret. “We’ve been experimenting with different headgear for years, and we’ve finally settled on the green beret as […]
WASHINGTON — A White House staffer changed the “days without a security incident” sign back to zero this morning after aides found additional classified documents in President Biden’s personal residence, sources confirmed today. “Guess we’re not getting a pizza party this week,” said Kenneth Franklin, a 23-year-old West Wing staffer, after he changed the sign […]
By As For Class WASHINGTON — In a shocking move, the Navy has announced that it will be replacing the outdated Windows XP operating system with the beloved Nintendo 64 system on all of its ships. “We think this will give us the best chance to defend ourselves against swarming carts and explosive barrels flung […]
By Slab Squatthrust SAN DIEGO — Boatswain’s Mate 1st Class Paul Gould took an extended deep breath and a long pause before calling for help from the Coast Guard after his vessel started taking on water outside Coronado, a U.S. Coast Guard San Diego official told reporters. The Coast Guard received the reluctant distress call […]
By Cobra Commander SCHOFIELD BARRACKS, Hawaii — After hours of troubleshooting, the soldiers of the 1st Battalion, 21st Infantry finally realized why they were having issues qualifying on the M4 range. “Turns out we were aiming our rifles backward,” said Sgt. Nate Freeman. “Boy, are our faces red!” For much of the day, soldiers were […]
MOSCOW — Recently sworn-in Russian and champion of civil liberties Edward Snowden is beginning to suspect that the government in Moscow may be spying on the nation’s 143 million citizens, according to multiple sources. “I can’t put my finger on it,” said Snowden to his friend and GRU handler Ivanna Belyaev. “I can’t shake the […]
FAYETTEVILLE, NC — Regional adult entertainment establishment owners are putting their asses out there for a change and leading a massive weapons donations drive for Ukraine, sources confirmed today. “Yep, we’re sending arms to Ukraine,” said Salvatore “Sonny” Sabarro, owner of the popular Cheetah 4 “Kitty Glitter” gentleman’s club in Fayetteville. “This is hella more […]
By As For Class THE PENTAGON — After months of indirect support, sanctions, and mean tweets, the United States has shocked the world by announcing that it will upgrade its support of the conflict in Ukraine by invading Iraq. “It’s the last thing Russia would expect,” said Air Force Brig. Gen. Patrick Ryder, the Pentagon’s […]
Photo by Jim Vondruska/Getty Images) By Medal of Dishonor JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — Following a hectic two weeks of holiday travel, many U.S. military service members have felt the aftereffects of bad weather, canceled flights, and wasted precious days of leave. Airman 1st Class Evan Parker, for example, was informed by leadership that his […]
Soldiers cry tears of joy after feeling the glory of Army tear gas raining down on them. FORT CARSON, Colo. — Some 8,000 soldiers with the 4th Infantry Division were purposely tear-gassed days after returning from holiday leave as part of a massive demoralizing event in which soldiers scaled obstacles, ran up hills, and counted […]