Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
Marine Corps University awash in golf shirt clad protestors QUANTICO, VA— With the refrain, “From our board rooms to the sea, Force Design makes us seethe!” echoing across the Potomac, Marine Corps University (MCU) joined the ranks of institutions of higher learning occupied by raucous protestors. But while Columbia University activists chant in solidarity with […]
Respect the process: please don’t knock. WASHINGTON D.C. – In a heartwarming tale of determination and nostalgia, terminally ill veteran Sgt. Max Johnson achieved his final wish: to embark on one last “solo mission” in the cradle of civilization — Iraq. “I’ve tried rubbing one out in a sauna, but it just isn’t the same […]
The future is truly bright. COLLEGE STATION, TX – In light of the recent escalation between Israel and Iran, newly commissioned Army 2nd Lt. Elizabeth Parker is questioning her decision to accept a four-year Army Scholarship in exchange for six years of service. Commissioned out of Texas A&M University, Lt. Parker planned on serving her […]
Yes, you. DOUGLAS A. MUNRO BUILDING, Washington D.C. — In a bold new recruitment strategy that is shocking and amusing observers, the U.S. Coast Guard has unveiled its latest campaign slogan: “Hey You Fat F*ck, Join the Coast Guard!” Aimed at expanding its ranks with a touch of brutal honesty in the face of low […]
Gotta catch ‘em all FORT LIBERTY, NC – 2nd Lieutenant Jason O’Louf was not seeking notoriety so much as imaginary creatures when he achieved an almost unheard-of accomplishment. Now O’Louf has been officially commended for not only spotting the mythical creature known as a Chief Warrant Officer 5 (CW5) but also managing to lock him […]
Just tell me whether you can identify a word. Any word. WASHINGTON D.C. — In a bold move aimed at lowering the barrier to entry for military service, the Department of Defense is replacing the Mathematics and General Science sections of the Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery (ASVAB) with Object Permanence and Basic Sentience. The […]
I do not advertise the nature of my work, nor seek recognition for my actions…unless there is attention involved. CORONADO, CA — Navy SEAL Jason Galloway was visibly shaken yesterday after discovering that local bartender, Gary Wilson, had never once in his life heard of the Navy SEALs. Galloway, six years into his tenure with […]
So easy a pilot can do it TRAVIS AFB, CA — An Air Force AI pilot recruited to fill the pilot shortage declined its Air Force retention bonus in favor of a commercial airline. The pilot, dubbed EZ-MOBIILITY, was created to cut the pilot crisis in mobility aircraft, such as the C-17 Globemaster and the […]
And that’s when the zoomie thing comes in and drops the boomie thing! CAPITOL HILL, Washington, DC – In a congressional hearing this week Dr. Anthony Fauci admitted that the Military Decision Making Process (MDMP), which has guided American troops’ planning efforts for decades, is not based on science. ”For years we led field grade […]
A Joint Duty Team measures an addition to the latest innovation in waste management WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a groundbreaking move designed to conserve water and uphold its commitment to sustainability, the military has introduced its latest innovation in eco-friendly technology: water-saving latrines that simply leave your poop there. Forever. Dubbed the “Eternal Duty Stations”, […]