Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
WASHINGTON — As Americans across the country prepare to celebrate Independence Day, another beloved annual tradition is in full swing: asking military veterans whether or not the impending barrage of fireworks will send them spiraling into a nightmarish flashback. This cherished custom, which dates back to the post-Vietnam era, has become as synonymous with the […]
WASHINGTON — The next and perhaps most important Presidential debates will be hosted in the coming months by the U.S. military, featuring a cognitive and general technical test from the Army and a rigorous Air Force fitness test conducted on the golf course, sources confirmed today. According to campaign officials, both President Joe Biden and […]
PENTAGON — The U.S. Army has fallen short of its fiscal year 2024 robot recruiting goal by a staggering 27%, Pentagon sources report. “There is a lot of hand-wringing over the army’s failure to meet its manpower and recruiting goals,” said Col. Francis Park, an army strategist who authored an 837-page classified report on robot […]
What goes on deployment, stays on deployment. And sometimes a cheap motel in Cortez Hills. WASHINGTON — Chief of Naval Operations Adm. Lisa Franchetti said Friday that the Navy would actively ignore Article 134 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ) in an effort to improve retention. Article 134, which applies to extra-marital relations, […]
FORT DRUM, N.Y. — Listen up, Fam! We don’t have long and I have a lot to do before my world tour, I mean liberty! We are coming up on the weekend and as we all know, a lot can happen. Before I say “Bye, Bye, Bye” to all of you chuckleheads, we have to […]
This isn’t Rush Week, boys. This is war. Well, actually it IS Rush Week, but you know what I mean. OXFORD, Miss. — While forcing a fraternity pledge to funnel a quart of grain alcohol, Channing Hanscomb Thatcher III, Hazing Director of the Ole Miss Chapter of Alpha Chi fraternity, announced that he would have […]
WASHINGTON — The Army will begin issuing 50-pound burlap sacks of grain to reenlisting soldiers in an effort to fight food insecurity across the force and increase morale at the same time, Army Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George announced at a press conference today. “We feel this is a positive measure that will show […]
By Jeffrey Sowa WASHINGTON — The D.C. National Guard has successfully broken up a protest at Georgetown University by launching enlistment and employment information into the crowds of protestors, sources confirmed today. “Once we saw the violence that persisted around the country, like at Columbia University, we launched an intelligence campaign to determine a unique […]
By Jeffrey Sowa FORT LIBERTY, N.C. — Former President Donald Trump has been sentenced to work a Friday staff duty during the Juneteenth four-day weekend, sources confirmed today. The 45th president will serve the sentence following his high-profile New York felony trial, where he was convicted of 34 felonies. “This is an absolute disgrace and […]
Imma let you finish but…first I gotta say something stupid. WASHINGTON — The Pentagon announced today the launch of its new “See Something Stupid, Say Something Stupid” campaign, which encourages military personnel to report instances of sheer stupidity within the ranks while implicitly acknowledging the inherent stupidity involved in military service that will render that […]