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WASHINGTON — The Biden administration on Sunday finally authorized Ukraine to use the Army Tactical Missile System (ATACMS) inside Russia, signaling a major policy shift after months of indecision that is totally not meant to hamstring the next administration, sources confirmed today. The missile system has long been on the Ukrainian list of vital armaments […]
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has begun preparing versions of current Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin’s daily information briefs for incoming Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth to answer critical questions, such as ‘Who the fuck is Pete Hegseth?’, sources confirmed today. “The purpose of these briefs is to facilitate a smooth transition of power by ensuring incoming […]
Photo by Aleksey Kashmar on Unsplash OCCUPIED AND UNOCCUPIED UKRAINE AND RUSSIA — Kidnapped war orphans, shattered parents, deeply scarred veterans, and other victims of Russia’s horrifying, unprovoked, immoral, unlawful invasion and occupation of Ukraine agreed this week that they are glad voters in key states in the U.S. election voted their conscience. “It’s just […]
THE PENTAGON — Navy officials today announced the creation of a new rating, or military occupational specialty, to enable concubines to serve alongside elite Navy SEALs. Share “For the last time, this is not the same as SWCC,” or naval special warfare combat crewmen, said Rear Adm. Charles W. Brown. “We are adding concubines to […]
SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, Ca. — Veteran porn actress Mia Khalifa, perhaps best known for combining international affairs commentary with a significant tolerance for semen, recently released a video via social media that has left many of her veteran fans more likely to scratch their big heads than their small ones. Khalifa, who first came into […]
Photo Credit: Gage Skidmore Following President-elect Donald Trump’s selection of Pete Hegseth as his future Secretary of Defense, Duffel Blog has confirmed the names of several other top contenders who were also considered by Trump even up to the last minute. This list is provided only for information to Department of Defense personnel, and Duffel […]
The Old Guard can stay home that day. WASHINGTON — Reinvigorating his defense of the unborn that stopped most forward progress in the Department of Defense for the better part of a year, Sen. Tommy Tuberville (R-AL) announced today he would place a hold on Veterans Day until the Pentagon eliminates an abortion policy allowing […]
SCHENECTADY, N.Y. — Doctors serving the nation’s Military Entrance Processing Stations (MEPS) issued a scathing indictment today about the quality of today’s recruits, carrying significant implications for a Department of Defense already struggling with recruiting. “I’ve been at MEPS for 50 years, and these are the most disappointing buttholes I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Beauregard […]
THE PENTAGON — Despite lower-than-average annual numbers of mass shootings in the United States this year, the Department of Defense is warning that such events still have significant implications on military recruitment. “The military is missing more targets than a blind Hezbollah zealot when it comes to recruiting,” Austin said, hair visibly graying. “Looking at […]
WASHINGTON — Sgt. Roger “Patriot Eagle” Johnson, a fervent believer in freedom, liberty, and whatever’s on the dark side of YouTube, has reportedly taken his love of country to the next level: orchestrating a patriotic coup to “restore” the very government he swore to defend. Share Johnson’s passion for his nation reportedly began as a […]