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BEAVERTON, Ore. — Nike has issued a public apology to the military community after creating an advertisement featuring the text “Believe in something. Even if it means sacrificing everything,” over a picture of a football player who is not a military veteran, sources confirmed today. “We completely forgot that the only sacrifice that means anything […]
WASHINGTON — An innovative new veteran’s non-profit is using private donations and support from several national airlines to reunite veterans with the shady shit they did in the past in their final days, sources confirmed today. The program, called Dishonor Flight, has now helped more than 200 World War II veterans get back to the […]
KABUL — Senior Afghan and American commanders are celebrating following a ribbon-cutting ceremony to open the Afghanistan National Army’s Corruption Center of Excellence, sources confirmed today. The Center, which will offer anywhere between one week to six months of course-work to soldiers depending on how much they bribe military officials, is being hailed as an […]
WASHINGTON — The director of the Defense Advanced Research Project Agency announced today the agency would be ending its pro bono research and development relationship with Google and other Silicon Valley tech firms. Founded in 1958, DARPA spent decades conducting cutting edge research for the most difficult problems faced by the military, while working on […]
KABUL — The U.S. Resolute Support mission, which oversees NATO forces in Afghanistan, on Wednesday conducted a change of command ceremony for the approximately 32,435th time in the 67-year-old war or whatever the hell it is now, sources confirmed today. Gen. John W. NoOneEvenCaresAtThisPoint relinquished command to fellow Army Gen. Austin S. NotGonnaWinTheWarEither in a […]
ABILENE, Texas — A Texas National Guardsman says he is suffering from “emotional scars” after returning from a deployment to the U.S.-Mexico border, sources confirmed today. Spc. Anthony Romo, who deployed for a two week rotation to guard his home state’s border from illegal immigrants by watching movies in an air-conditioned tent, told reporters that […]
KABUL — They say that when you join the Army, you join a family. These battle buddies are proving it! Long after Devin Sharpe, Eric Burns, and Calvin Fischer met each other on a deployment to Afghanistan in 2003, these brothers in arms get back together every five years to chill out, remember the past, […]
MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — Google has unveiled a new search tool to help Army and Marine infantrymen find jobs as security guards, truck drivers, and professional hitmen, sources confirmed today. In an announcement earlier this week, the Silicon Valley tech giant rolled out its job search tool in order to help military personnel transition to […]
VICENZA, Italy — It was a simple concept. Invite the hit CBS reality show “Undercover Boss” to film a special Army-edition episode featuring 30 days of a field-grade officer going incognito as a junior first-term soldier. But the episode — which will air next year during Season 9 of the series — went horribly wrong, […]