Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
NORFOLK, Va. — A vocational warfighter who completed some mandatory training is ready to shoulder the burden of defending the American people, sources confirmed today. Boatswain’s Mate First Class Drake Washington has devoted the past nine years of his life to honing his person into a lethal instrument of justice, spending a conservative estimate of […]
ARCTIC SEA — The Coast Guard icebreaker USCGC Polar Star achieved a world first by drawing a sea penis north of the Arctic Circle, sources confirmed today. “This thing was huge. I’m talking huge. Easily bigger than any wimpy looking sky penis out there. You can see it from space. That’s right. Space. We’ve tagged […]
AL HAWL, Syria – Nour Muhammad, who made headlines when she left America to marry an ISIS fighter, arrived in Al Hawl today after cleaning out her husband’s bank account and sending him a “Dear Abdul” letter. “He’s been deployed in Raqqa fighting the infidels for nearly five weeks. I couldn’t take another second alone,” […]
By Sgt. Steven Mode, flight equipment technician Sometimes things in life are the same, and other times things are different. One thing that is the same for me everywhere is wacking it. On a train or in Bahrain, on a float or off the boat, masturbating is about the same wherever I go. Sure, sometimes […]
WASHINGTON – The Pentagon released today the official lineup of planned U.S. wars through the year 2030. Policymakers state that the primary goal of the project, known as the ‘Murican Combat Upsurge (MCU), is to regenerate public excitement over the military industrial complex. “We haven’t had a real, classic blockbuster war since World War II,” […]
HANOI, Vietnam —President Donald Trump had a great time on his trip to Vietnam, and is confused as to why former Sen. John McCain had always made the country seem like some type of hell, sources confirmed today. Trump made the trip to Hanoi for a summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un where […]
MUSHROOM KINGDOM – King Bowser plans to withdraw his airship fleet from World 7 after plumbers Mario and Luigi delivered the koopa king numerous setbacks, sources confirmed today. “We’ve won victory after victory, from Bob-omb battlefield to the Donut Plains, all the way to Yoshi’s Island. This war has been going on since 1985, and […]
GREENBELT, Md — With claims that sound suspiciously similar to a recent incident at a Home Depot in Kansas, jailed Coast Guard Lt. Christopher Hasson now claims “plotting domestic terrorism” is how he describes going to the bathroom, sources confirmed today. “Lieutenant Hasson’s arrest is system overreach of the highest order,” Hasson’s lawyer, Julie Stelzig, […]
CAMP HUMPHREYS, Korea – Alpha Company soldiers and military police are still searching for 2nd Lt. Trevor Senseman after he reportedly ordered the brigade command sergeant major to stand at the position of attention before addressing him, sources confirmed today. “No one has seen or heard from him in three days,” said Capt. Andrew Upshaw, […]
FORT JACKSON, SC — The U.S. Army marked the opening of the Klobuchar Center of Excellence today with a ribbon-cutting ceremony at Fort Jackson’s Drill Sergeant School. The facility, named after Minnesota Sen. Amy Klobuchar, will provide the Army’s drill sergeant school a facility to “better instruct candidates on leadership, mental health awareness, and the handling […]