Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Members of Bravo Company have officially filed a complaint against 2nd Lt. Tyler Gear, citing his inability to hold a single conversation without mentioning his deep, borderline spiritual connection to IPAs, sources confirmed today. Share “He won’t stop,” said Sgt. Jake Mendoza, rolling his eyes. “We’ll be in the motor pool, […]
So, you’re tired of this modern hellscape bullshit. Maybe your chain of command is a toxic dumpster fire, or perhaps you’ve realized that no amount of online “tactical” gear purchases will make your desk job any cooler. Either way, you’re looking for a fresh start in a foreign land — whether it’s fighting for freedom, […]
Gen. Randall Reed, commander of U.S. PENISORVAGINA Command, tours the assport ship MV Cape Sable. WASHINGTON — Following a series of Presidential Directives and Pentagon orders banning transgender troops from serving in the military and affecting other trans rights, the Department of Defense announced this week that the United States Transportation Command (US TRANSCOM) has […]
THE PENTAGON — Following guidance from the President and Secretary of Defense on rolling back the clock to simpler times, a spokesperson for the Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense for Personnel has announced a new recruiting strategy targeting prospective Black recruits. Share “All the DEI nonsense muddied the waters of where Black merit traditionally lies […]
THE PENTAGON — National Guard infantry officer and cable news talk show contributor-turned-Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has ordered the military to paint a white letter ‘Z’ on all tanks, tracks, trucks, “and anything else that is lethal,” sources confirmed today. Share The mandated vehicle markings mimic those used by invading Russian forces in Ukraine […]
WASHINGTON — With many veterans worried that government-wide cost-cutting measures will affect essential medical care and benefits, Veterans Affairs Secretary Doug Collins has reassured the nation that he will “personally punch every veteran in the nutsack,” sources confirmed today. “Don’t believe all the rumors you hear in the woke media,” Collins said. “I’m coming for […]
THE PENTAGON – In a groundbreaking move to streamline inefficiency, the Department of Defense has announced the creation of the Task Force of Task Forces (TFTF), a specialized unit built entirely of task forces dedicated solely to establishing additional task forces. Share “We realized that every issue, no matter how small, was being assigned its […]
By Bernard Buttersquash BUCHA, Ukraine — Following Vice President JD Vance’s aggressive criticism of Ukraine’s President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, Satan has expressed his first public doubts about the agreement that brought Vance to President Trump’s side. Reached for comment while “decompressing” in a partially burned farmhouse in Bucha, the Dark Lord emphasized that while he was excited […]
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth came out of the gate strong in February. First, he told Ukraine “fat fucking chance” of regaining their Russian-occupied sovereign territory or joining NATO. Then, when offered a chance to continue leading the world in defending against authoritarianism, his alligator arms couldn’t reach the big nuclear deterrent in his […]
WASHINGTON — On the heels of an email from the Office of Personnel Management requiring all federal employees to send five bullet points summarizing their accomplishments from last week, defense company Leidos has been awarded a $10 billion contract to write the weekly emails for every federal employee. Share “We’ve been an industry-leading innovator in […]