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NAPA VALLEY, Calif. — Citing unacceptable levels of the “forever chemical” PFAS in their bodies, California Governor Gavin Newsom formally amended the state’s environmental policy today to prohibit burials at Veterans Administration cemeteries throughout the state. Share “While the military will assuredly go on destroying the world in life, the Golden State will not allow them […]
FORT LIBERTY (OR WHATEVER THEY’RE CALLING IT NOW) — Chaos erupted at the Post Exchange this morning when the highly anticipated “Weekend Essentials” bundle — containing a can of Zyn nicotine pouches, a Monster energy drink, and a single condom — sold out within less than 10 minutes. Share According to eyewitness reports, a mob […]
ST. LOUIS — In an inspiring display of patriotic fervor, a local combat veteran has announced his eagerness to reenlist to fight in the War on Drugs, taking a firm stance not against, but in support of drug use. Jared Doherty, who served multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, now sees the battle for cannabis […]
WASHINGTON — The Atlantic editor-in-chief, Jeffrey Goldberg, has replied-all after he was mistakenly added to another Department of Defense Signal chat group that routinely leaks classified information, obscure memes, and, apparently, Russian intelligence collection opportunities. Share Sources confirmed that the chat, named “Joint Ops Bantz 🔥💥🚀 (NO FOREIGN),” was intended for a small group of […]
By Fat Ghengis EGLIN AFB, Fla. – President Trump’s executive order to roll back federal Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) initiatives has sent shockwaves through the ranks, leaving one Explosive Ordnance Disposal (EOD) officer scrambling to fuse together a bombproof curriculum. Share Lt. Cmdr. Jans Sven Swederssen swiftly complied with the commander-in-chief’s directive by systematically […]
THE PENTAGON — Budgetary offices across the service branches are scrambling after Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth released his long-awaited fiscal guidance, sources confirmed today. With uncertainty already high in the wake of surgical and well-implemented cutbacks executed by the Department of Government Efficiency, Pentagon fiscal planners genuinely looked forward to the new defense budget […]
WASHINGTON — Researchers at the Primate Language Institute were stunned this week when their latest subject, a 400-pound silverback gorilla named “Dookie,” not only mastered American Sign Language but immediately began informing everyone within range that he was a West Point graduate. “We expected simple phrases like ‘banana good’ or ‘Dookie love trainer,’” said Dr. […]
SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH CHINA SEA — China has issued a fiery protest after the U.S. Navy’s recently-minted USS William J. Clinton aircraft carrier penetrated waters claimed by Beijing. When questioned about the aircraft carrier’s exact location, however, Navy Capt. Larry “Blue Dress” Tripp insisted that he “did not have international relations with that country.” […]
THE PENTAGON — After declaring an end to Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) programs across the military, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is now apparently realizing the program’s value, especially if an office presents him with a reasonably secure job opportunity, sources confirmed today. Share According to senior defense officials, Hegseth is aware of accusations of […]
GLENDALE, Calif. — After President Donald Trump recently announced he would rename Veterans Day to Victory Day for World War I, executives at Applebee’s expressed relief that they now only had to offer free meals to World War I veterans on November 11, 2025. Share “Consistent with the directive from the Oval Office, we will […]