Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
WASHINGTON — After Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. John Daniel “Raizin” Caine warned recently that the “Straits of Whore Moose” [sic] had become a contested waterway, the U.S. Navy moved quickly to designate the area a protected maritime cultural zone known as the Gays of Hormuz, sources confirmed today. “This is now a safe […]
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced today that the United States has officially ended the Iran War after what he described as “the biggest, most beautiful military operation in human history" convinced Iranian leaders to immediately abandon their nuclear program, reopen the Strait of Hormuz, and gave him “basically unlimited oil — frankly, more oil […]
WASHINGTON — A new national poll released this week found that a majority of Americans were surprised to learn the war with Iran is still happening, roughly two weeks after most people stopped paying attention. When asked what the United States should do about the conflict and whether they supported deploying ground troops, 72 percent […]
HEAVEN — God is unable to keep boots off the ground in Iran because He is currently overwhelmed with prayers to rig March Madness at the faithful’s request, heavenly sources confirmed today. “The brackets are eating up every bit of bandwidth,” said Saint Joan of Arc (HGS S-3), a longtime Notre Dame fan. “Sure, the […]
WASHINGTON — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth appeared visibly confused Tuesday after discovering that the phrase “fuck around and find out,” which he frequently uses on television to describe America's enemies, apparently applies to him as well. The revelation came during a Pentagon briefing as the conflict with Iran entered what officials described as “its […]
IRAN — As the War in Iran enters its second month, international markets are already feeling the impact of shipments either delayed or altogether prevented from coming through the Strait of Hormuz. But American defense officials stress that the Strait is currently open and will remain open if you aren’t a bitch. “Iranian mines and […]
WASHINGTON — The Department of War is still struggling to explain what is happening with Iran while refusing to use what officials call “the ‘W’ word,” sources confirmed today. Rumors have circulated for days of a full-blown — ahem — “thing” between the United States and its longtime regional adversary, but department officials declined to […]
ARLINGTON, Va. — A local man who says he is “closely monitoring the rapidly evolving situation in Iran” admitted that his analysis largely consists of scrolling through videos posted by attractive Middle Eastern influencers celebrating the death of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, sources confirmed today. “I’m just trying to stay informed,” said Kyle McDonough after watching […]
MAR-A-LAGO — The White House announced Monday that President Donald Trump will be awarded the Medal of Honor after becoming the only person in America to successfully locate a Chief Warrant Officer 5. “I’m no Trump fan,” said military historian Joshua Delano, “but you must give credit where credit is due. I’ve gone through archival […]
MIDDLE EAST — After a squad of irregular Iranian fighters breached the perimeter of his base in the region, Marine Cpl. Brian McVeigh heroically dove on a grenade to save the Dow Jones Industrial Average from falling below 50,000, sources confirmed today. “As Marines, this is what we train for,” Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Eric […]