Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON — During his annual State of the Union address to Congress on Wednesday, President Donald Trump promised Americans that he would carry out the “largest quagmire operation in U.S. history” following the launch of a war against Iran. “We will have a big, beautiful, never-ending war,” Trump said. “It will be the longest and […]
CREECH AIR FORCE BASE, Nev. — America’s technological leapfrog into drone dominance stalled this week after the cyan ink in the OEM-compatible tank of an Epson Workforce NCC-1701-D ran low, sources confirmed today. All efforts to build and deploy small, lethal drones for America’s battlefield advantage have been placed on hold until Darrell, a GS-12 […]
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — The Department of War has launched a formal review of tuition assistance programs that send service members to Harvard and other Ivy League schools after confirming that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is a product of one. The revelation has reportedly triggered a Department of War review of tuition assistance programs that send […]
FORT RUCKER, Ala. — Several dozen U.S. service members have complained to members of Congress and the Pentagon Inspector General in recent weeks after being forced to watch the ‘Melania’ documentary during Survival, Escape, Resistance, and Evasion (SERE) training, sources confirmed today. SERE School, which prepares high-risk personnel to withstand isolation, captivity, and torture, has […]
WASHINGTON — Sergeant Major of the Army Michael Weimer announced a new initiative this week called “I Hate Soldiers,” a service-wide effort focused on maximizing pointless training hours, micromanagement, and quiet resentment, sources confirmed today. “For the past couple years I’ve been dropping hints about my plans for the Army’s enlisted population, but the troopers […]
WASHINGTON — In an effort to cut costs and trim what he described as a bloated budget, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Doug Collins announced today that all VA benefits will be reduced to the issuance of a loaded 9mm pistol and a single bottle of bourbon. “If there’s one thing vets love, it’s getting plastered,” […]
In This Issue: Story Roundup: Comic Sans on official documents, Hegseth using a green screen to win wars, and a shocking whistleblower complaint alleges the DNI is actually Tulsi Gabbard. What We're Reading: A Guard rifle left in a Bourbon Street bathroom, two Navy ships discovering each other the hard way, a colonel trying to […]
WASHINGTON — In a bombshell leak that has shaken the U.S. national security community, a whistleblower complaint alleges that the Director of National Intelligence is Tulsi Gabbard. The possibility that the nation’s top intelligence post could be occupied by someone described as “dangerously unqualified and spiritually aligned with Moscow” has left intelligence officials exasperated and […]
THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has saved the United States several billion dollars by replacing actual military operations with movie sets, stock footage, and a green screen, sources confirmed today. “We’re already spending a lot of time and money conducting operations and then saying we accomplished our objectives even though we didn’t,” Hegseth […]
WASHINGTON — Following the U.S. State Department’s recent switch from Calibri to Times New Roman, the Pentagon announced it would also be updating its typography standards. The update was delivered via an official photo posted on X, showing Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth unveiling the new policy on Department of War letterhead. The letter read: […]