Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense and also War Pete Hegseth released a memo urging female service members to assume every order from a male superior is "absolutely, unquestionably" lawful, sources confirmed today. The memo, titled "Trust, Obey, NDA" and addressed to all "deployment 8’s and above," clarified that female troops do not have a right […]
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has confirmed what many service members have long feared: “You and your entire generation” indeed missed out on the best time to have served in the military, according to a massive 50-year longitudinal study conducted by retired E-7s with clipboards. According to the study, which sampled thousands of veterans, respondents gave […]
WASHINGTON — In a stunning display of bureaucratic agility, the Department of Defense announced today that it would immediately begin recouping millions of dollars in pay and benefits from thousands of National Guard troops, following a federal court ruling that their month-long deployment to the nation’s capital was "unlawful." The ruling, handed down by U.S. […]
WASHINGTON — During a joint press conference where the United States and Saudi Arabia celebrated their shared values of exchanging obscene amounts of money, Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman presented a dazzling golden bone saw to President Donald Trump. “This humble token of our friendship epitomizes what makes our relationship so special,” said bin Salman. “The […]
CHICAGO — When asked why he never joined the military, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Mike Ralston always has a new story ready. “First, it was because of my girlfriend at the time. Then I thought about going to college. Then Pete Hegseth said it was too woke, and he was on FOX News last […]
NAVAL AMPHIBIOUS BASE CORONADO — President Donald Trump’s surprise disclosure of a pending covert operation in Venezuela has devastated the Navy SEAL community — not because of the mission’s compromise, but because it torpedoed their lucrative plans to write tell-all books about it. “Killing narcos is cool,” said Kyle, a SEAL who declined to share […]
WASHINGTON — Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell declared today that the U.S. military is “achieving irreversible momentum” in the War on America, citing improved kill-to-loot ratios and a steady uptick in PowerPoint slide animations. Standing outside the National Guard Memorial Museum flanked by uniformed soldiers from the Army and Air Guard, Parnell praised recent gains in […]
WASHINGTON — White House advisor Stephen Miller reportedly called Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) on commissary baggers after being asked for a tip, witnesses confirmed Monday. “He was just bragging about base privileges — tax-free groceries, forced neighborly smiles, that kind of thing,” said commissary manager John Willingstone. “But then a bagger asked for a […]
WASHINGTON — A spokesman for the Pentagon has revealed that in addition to being very handsome and good at pull-ups, Secretary of Defense and Also War Pete Hegseth is absolutely hammered at all times. Sources say Hegseth, ever the dedicated patriot, maintains a steady blood alcohol content of exactly .1776 in honor of the nation’s […]
ARLINGTON, VA — Tourists on Friday at the The Tomb of The Unknown Soldier presented by AFLAC were treated to a new script announcing the changing of the guard. “Good morning, I am Sentinel Jameson,” the soldier said to the standing crowd. “Before I announce the ceremony you are about to witness, I’d like to […]