Hangin' on Posco Pier!
THE PENTAGON — A long-awaited Pentagon audit has confirmed the root cause of America’s failures in Iraq and Afghanistan: Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s atrocious pull-up form, officials announced today. “I figured the audit would just say what every vet bro already knows — that we lost because of DEI, fluoridated water, and Milley’s ‘Pegging for […]
You’ve been preparing for this moment for 20 years.. Now it’s time to get that VA disability rating so you can finally admit you have a bad back, bad knees, bad ankles, and a bad life. It’s time for you to also fail your sleep study. After two decades of dedicated service, aching joints, functional […]
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has directed the Department of the Navy to rename the rank of “rear admiral” to something “less suggestive and more intimidating,” according to a memo circulated Monday. Share The policy, part of a broader military modernization initiative known as Project Iron Manhood, will phase out the term rear […]
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has mobilized the Florida National Guard to pick fruit, sources confirmed today. “We grew dependent on hard working people doing backbreaking labor for low pay,” DeSantis said. “So we threw them out of the country and now our fields are full of rotting fruit. I don’t think anyone […]
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon’s newest spokesman introduced himself today in an unorthodox manner — hanging upside down over the Department of Defense seal, wearing nothing but a crisply ironed American flag tie. Apey, a chimpanzee with what officials describe as “extensive public affairs experience,” has been hired to brief reporters and answer questions on behalf […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what many are calling an egregious display of disrespect and possibly treason, local resident Robert Hernandez reportedly forgot to thank a National Guardsman for his service during his arrest, sources confirmed today. Share “I feel awful, I am ashamed,” Hernandez confessed on a recorded jailhouse phone call. “This young man was […]
JOINT BASE ELMENDORF-RICHARDSON, ALASKA — CIA sources confirmed today that an asset in a “highly-placed role” with the U.S. government is meeting with his Russian handlers at a military base in Alaska. Share The sources noted that the asset — known in national security circles and Signal chats as ‘Agent Orange 4547’ — “inexplicably leveraged […]
CORONADO, Calif. — Retired Navy Adm. William McRaven, the former Navy SEAL who once told an entire generation to “make your bed” if they wanted to change the world, hasn’t tucked a corner or fluffed a pillow since 2014, sources confirmed after a classified intervention led by five of America’s most combat-hardened motivational operators. Share […]
CHICAGO — The WNBA has surged in popularity thanks to the star power of newcomers like Caitlin Clark and Angel Reese, but it’s also attracted fan-initiated disruptions to games in recent weeks. That was disturbingly clear at an August 9 matchup between the Golden State Valkyries and Chicago Sky when Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth was […]
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has long coveted Greenland, and he finally secured it as the international territorial trade deadline approached. “It’s a beautiful country. Well, state. Now it’s our beautiful 51st state. Canada could have been that. I told the prime minister he was never going to get a better deal than 51. Now […]